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THE DIARY OF A NOBODY 








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THE DIARY OF A NOBODY 


BY 

GEORGE GROSSMITH 

AND 

WEEDON GROSSMITH 


IV/T// ILLUSTRATIONS BY WEEDON GROSSMITH 



'^, 5 * 

i.OV' 1892 

^ 

I ^ 


NEW YORK 

TAIT, SONS & COMPANY 

Union Square 




Copyright, 1892, 

BY 

UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY, 


[A// rights reserved.] 


Zhc Diar^ of a IHloboD^ 

ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN 

PUNCH, 

AND IS RE-PUBLISHED BY THE PERMISSION OF THE PROPRIETORS 

Messrs. Bradbury and Agnew. 

THE diary has SINCE BEEN CONSIDERABLY ADDED TO 

THE EXCELLENT TITLE 

WAS SUGGESTED BY OUR MUTUAL FRIEND, 

3f. C, JSurnanb 

TO WHOM WE HAVE THE GREAT PLEASURE OF DEDICATING 

THIS VOLUME. 

George Grossmith, 
Weedon Grossmith. 


London, June, 1892, 



INTRODUCTION BY MR. FOOTER. 


Wiy should I not publish my diary ? I have often 
seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard 
of and I fail to see — because I do not happen to be a 
‘ Somebody ’ — udiy my diary should not be interesting. 
My only regret is that I did not commence it when I 
was a youth. 

Charles Footer. 

The Laurels, 

Brickfield Terrace, 


Holloway. 



THE DIAKY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER I. 

We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a 
diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the 
scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great 
compliment. 

My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in 
our new house, “The Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, 
Holloway — a nice six-roomed residence, not counting 
basement with a front breakfast-parlor. We have a 
little front garden ; and there is a fiight of ten steps up to 
the front door ; which, hy-the-by, we keep locked with 
the chain up. Cummings, Cowing, and our other inti- 
mate friends always come to the little side entrance, 
which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the 
front door, thereby taking her from her work. We 


6 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


have a nice little back garden which runs down to the 
railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the 
trains at first, but the landlord said we should not no- 
tice them after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. lie was 



The Laurels. 


I 


certainly right : and beyond the cracking of the gar- 
den-wall at the bottom, we have suffered no incon- 


venience. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


7 


After my work in the City, I like to be at home. 
What’s the good of a home, if you are never in it ? 
“ Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto. I am always 
in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in 
without ceremony ; so may Cummings, who lives oppo- 
site. My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see 
them, if they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and I can 
manage to pass our evenings together without friends. 
There is always something to he done : a tin-tack here, 
a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up, or 
part of a carpet to nail down — all of which I can do 
with my pipe in my mouth ; while Carrie is not above 
putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillowcase, or 
practising the “ Sylvia Gavotte ” on our new cottage 
piano (on the three years’ system), manufactured by W. 
Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard (in 
very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to 
know that our hoy Willie is getting on so well in the 
Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him. 
Now for my diary : — 

Apeil 3.— Tradesmen called for custom, and I prom- 
ised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him a turn if 
I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that reminds me 
there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells must 


8 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


be seen to. The parlor bell is broken, and the front 
door rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is ridicu- 
lous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn’t 
stay, saying there was an infernal smell of paint. 

April 4. — Tradesmen still 
calling : Carrie being out, 

I arranged to deal with 
Horwin, who seemed a civil 
butcher with a nice clean 
shop. Ordered a shoulder 
of mutton for to-mor- 
row, to give him a 
trial. Carrie arranged 
with Dorset, the 
butterman, and 
ordered a pound 
of fresh butter, 
and a pound and 
a half of 
ditto for 

Our dear friend Gowing, 

kitchen, and a 
shilling’s worth ' 

of eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly 
dropped in to show me a merschaum pipe he had won 
in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it carefully, 



THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


9 


as it would spoil the coloring if the hand was moist. 
He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for 
the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as 
he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I 
shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes. 

April 5. — Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie 
having arranged with another butcher without consult- 
ing me. Gowing called, and. fell over scraper coming 
in. Must get that scraper removed. 

April 6 . — Eggs for breakfast simply shocking : sent 
them back to Borset with my compliments, and he 
needn’t call any more for orders. Couldn’t find um- 
brella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go 
without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it 
by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the 
’all that didn’t belong to nobody. In the evening, 
hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the ser- 
vant in the downstairs hall, I went out to see Avho 
it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, 
the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. 
Borset, on seeing me, said he would be hanged if he 
would ever serve City clerks any more — ^the game wasn’t 
worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, and quietly 


10 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


remarked that I thought it was possible for a City clerk 
to he a gentleman. He replied he was very glad to hear 
it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come across 



Our dear friend Cummings. 

one, for he hadn’t. Tie left the house, slamming the 
door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight ; and I 


TEE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


11 


heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad 
I hadn’t removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a 
splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, 
I will keep it for another occasion. 

April 7. — Being Saturday, I looked forward to being 
home early, and putting a few things straight ; but two 
of our principals at the office were absent through ill- 
ness, and I did not get home till seven. Found Borest 
waiting. He had been three times during the day to 
apologize for his conduct last night. He said he was un- 
able to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it 
last night instead. He begged me to accept his apol- 
ogy, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, 
a decent sort of fellow ; so I gave him an order for some 
fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they 
should be fresh. I am afraid we shall have to get some 
new stair-carpets after all ; our old ones are not quite 
wide enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie 
suggests that we might ourselves broaden the paint. 
I will see if we can match the color (dark chocolate) 
on Monday. 

April 8. — Sunday. — After Church, the Curate came 
back with us. I sent Carrie in to open the front door. 


12 THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 

which we do not use except on special occasions. 
She could not get it open, and after all my display, I 
had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did 
not catch) round to the side entrance. He caught his 
foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. 
Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair 
them on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took 
a walk round the garden, and discovered a beautiful 
spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and radishes. W ent 
to Church again in the evening : walked back with the 
jCurate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of 
trousers, only repaired. lie wants me to take round 
the plate, which I think a great compliment. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


13 


CHAPTER II. 

Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowmg 
rather tiresome with his complaints of the paint. I 
make one of the best jokes of my life. Delights of 
gardening . Mr. Stillbrook., Gowing^ Cummings.^ 
and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes 
me look a fool before Cummings. 

April 9. — Commenced the morning badly. The 
butcher, whom we decided not to arrange with, called 
and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for manner. 
He began by abusing me and saying he did not want 
my custom. I simply said : “ Then what are you 

making all this fuss about it for ? ” And he shouted 
out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbors 
could hear : “ Pah ! go along. Ugh ! I could buy 

up ‘ things ’ like you by the dozen ! ” 

I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand 
that this disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when 
there was a violent kicking at the door, enough to 


14 


TEE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


break the panels. It was the blackguard butcher 
again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, 
and would immediately bring an action against me. 
Called at Farmerson’s, the ironmonger, on my way to 
town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and 
repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to 
trouble the landlord with such a trifling matter. 

Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a 
painter and decorator, who had sent in a card, said he 
could not match the color on the stairs, as it contained 
Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling 
at warehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested 
he should entirely re-pamt the stairs. It would cost 
very little more ; and if he tried to match it, he could 
only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory 
to him and to us to have the work done properly. I con- 
sented, but felt I had been talked over. Planted some 
mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went to bed at nine. 

April 10. — Farmerson came round to attend to the 
scraper himself. He seems a very civil fellow. He 
says he does not usually conduct such small jobs 
personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, 
and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of 
the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


15 


that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they 
might be discharged. 

Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with 
us six weeks, told me “ to keep my hair on ! ” I in- 
formed him I had had the honor of being in the firm 
twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I 
“ looked it.” I gave him an indignant look, and said : 
“ I demand from you some respect, sir.” He replied : 
“ All right, go on demanding.” I would not argue 
with him any further. You cannot argue with people 
like that. In the evening Gowing called, and repeated 
his complaint about the smell of paint. Gowing is 
sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not 
always cautious; and Carrie once very properly re- 
minded him that she was present. 

April 11. — Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come 
up yet. To-day was a day of annoyances. 1 missed 
the quarter-to-nine ’bus, to the City, through having 
words with the grocer’s boy, who for the second time 
had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall- 
door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the 
fresh-cleaned doorsteps. He said he had knocked 
at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an 
hour. I knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear 


16 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


this, as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so asked 
the boy why he did not ring the bell? He replied 
that he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in 
his hand. 

I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has 
never happened to me before. There has recently 
been much irregularity in the attendance of the clerks, 
and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately chose 
this very morning to pounce down upon us early. 
Someone had given the tip to the others. The result 
was that I was the only one late of the lot. Buckling, 
one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved 
by his intervention. As I passed by Pitt’s desk, I 
heard him remark to his neighbor: “How disgrace- 
fully late some of the head clerks arrive ! ” This was, 
of course, meant for me. I treated the observation 
with silence, simply giving him a look, which unfor- 
tunately had the effect of making both of the clerks 
laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more 
dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at 
all. Cummings called in the evening, and we played 
dominoes. 

April 12. — Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come 
up yet. Left Farmerson repairing the scraper, but 
when I came home found three men working. I asked 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


17 


the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making 
a fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said 
it was a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and 
the man who did it evidently knew nothing about his 
business. I felt his excuse was no consolation for the 
expense I shall he put to. 

In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and 
we had a smoke together in the breakfast parlor. 
Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long, saying the 
smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too 
much for me ; for Gowing had given me what he called 
a green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just 
brought over from America. The cigar didn’t look 
green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I 
had smoked a little more than half, I was obliged to 
retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the 
glasses. 

I took a walk round the garden three or four times, 
feeling the need of fresh air. On returning Gowing 
noticed I was not smoking : offered me another cigar, 
which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual 
sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said : “ You’re not go- 

ing to complain of the smell of paint again?” He 
said : “ No, not this time : but I’ll tell you what, I 

distinctly smell dry rot.” I don’t often make jokes, 


18 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


but I replied : “ You’re talking a lot of dry rot your- 
self.” I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie said 
her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was so 
immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. 
I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed 
till the bed shook. 

April 13. — xVn extraordinary coincidence: Carrie 
had called in a woman to make some chintz covers for 
our di*awing-room chairs and sofa, to prevent the sun 
fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the wo- 
man, and recognized her as a woman who used to 
work years ago for my old aunt at Clapham. It only 
shows how small the world is. 

April 14. — Spent the whole of the afternoon in the 
garden, having this morning picked up at a bookstall 
for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition, 
on Gardening. I procured' and sowed some half-hardy 
annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. 
I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie 
came out rather testy, I thought. I said : “ I have 
just discovered we have got a lodging-house.” She 
replied : “ How do you mean ? ” I said : “ Look at 
the hoarders^ Carrie said : “ Is that all you wanted 


THE DIARY^ OF A NOBODY. 


19 


me for ? ” I said : “ Any other time you would have 
laughed at my little pleasantry.” Carrie said : ‘ ‘ Cer- 
tainly — at any other time., hut not when I am busy in 
the house.” The stairs looked very nice. Gowing 
called, and said the stairs looked all right., but it made 
the banisters look all wrong., and suggested a coat of 
paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. 
I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out, 
so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide. By- 
the-by, that is rather funny. 

Apkil 15, Sunday. — At three o’clock Cummings and 
Gowing called for a good long walk over Hampstead 
and Phnchley, and brought with them a friend named 



Stillbrook lags behind. Going up MIL 


20 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except 
Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us 
staring at the ground and cutting at the grass with 
his stick. 

As it was getting on for five, we four held a con- 
sultation, and Gowmg suggested that we should make 



Going down hill. 


for “ The Cow and Hedge ” and get some tea. Still- 
brook said : “ A brandy-and soda was good enough for 
him.” I reminded them that all public-houses were 
closed till six o’clock. Stillbrook said : “ That’s all 
right — bond fide travellers.” 

We arrived ; and as I was trying to pass, the man 


TUE DlAliY OF A NOBODY. 


21 





Nearly there. 




22 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


in charge of the gate said : “ Where from ? ” I re- 
plied : “ Holloway.” He immediately put up his arm, 
and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a 
moment, when I saw Stillhrook, closely followed by 
Cummings and Go wing, make for the entrance. I 
watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh 
at their expense. I heard the porter say : Where 
from ? ” When, to my surprise, in fact disgust. Still- 
brook replied : “ Blackheath,” and the three were 
immediately admitted. 

Gowing called to me across the gate, and said : 
“ We shan’t be a minute.” I waited for them the best 
part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in 
most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an 
effort to apologize was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to 
me : “ It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, 
but we had another spin for S. and B.’s.” I walked 
home in silence ; I couldn’t speak to them. I felt 
very dull all the evening, l)ut deemed it advisable not 
to say anything to Carrie about the matter. 

April 16. — After business, set to work in the garden. 
When it got dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing 
(who neither called, for a wonder ; perhaps they were 
ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


23 


at “ The Cow and Hedge.” Afterwards made up my 
mmd not to write yet. 

April 17. — Thought I would write a kind little note to 
Cowing and Cummings about last Sunday, and warn- 
ing them agamst Mr. Stillbrook. Afterwards, think- 
ing the matter over, tore up the letters, and determined 
not to ^crite at all, hut to speak quietly to them. 
Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cum- 
mings, saying that both he and Cowing had been waiting 
for an explanation of my (mind you, my) extraordinary 
conduct coming home on Sunday. At last I wrote : 
“ I thought I was the aggrieved party ; but as I freely 
forgive you, you — feeling yourself aggrieved — should 
bestow forgiveness on me.” I have copied this verbatim 
in the diary, because I think it is one of the most per- 
fect and thoughtful sentences I have ever written. I 
posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I was 
actually aplogizing for having been insulted. 

April 18. — Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day 
at the office sneezing. In the evening, the cold being 
intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottle of Kinahan. 
Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers. 
Was startled by a loud knock at the front door. Carrie 


24 


THE HI ARY OF A NOBODY. 


awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so went up, opened 
the door, and found it was only Cummings. Remem- 
bered the grocer’s boy had again broken the side-bell. 
Cummings squeezed my hand, and said : “ I’ve just 
seen Cowing. All right. Say no more about it.” 
There is no doubt they are both under the impression 
I have apologized. 

While playing dominoes with Cummings in the 
parlor, he said : “ By-the-by, do you want any wine or 
spirits? My cousin Merton has just set up in the 
trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, 
at thirty-eight shillings. It is worth your while lay- 
ing down a few dozen of it.” I told him my cellars, 
which were very small, were full up. To my horror, 
at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and put- 
ting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of 
newspaper, on the table in front of us, said : “ Please, 
sir, the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but 
you’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with two- 
pence returned on the bottle; and, please, did you 
want any more sherry? as he has some at one-and- 
three, as dry as a nut ! ” 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY 


25 



Please, sir, the grocer says he ain't got no more Kinahan, hut you'll find this very good. 


26 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER III. 

A conversation loith Air. Alerton on Society. Air. and 
Airs. James., of Sutton., come iqy. A miserable 
eveniny at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with 
enamel paint. I make another good joke / hut Goio- 
ing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. 1 
paint the hath red., with unexpected result. 

April 19. — Cummings called, bringing with him his 
friend Merton, who is in the wine trade. Cowing also 
called. Mr. Merton made himself at home at once, and 
Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately, 
and thoroughly approved of his sentiments. 

He leaned back in his chair and said : “You must 
take me as I am ; ” and I replied : “Yes — and you take 
us as Ave are. We’re homely people, we are not swells.” 

He answered : “ Yo, I can see that,” and Cowing 
roared with laughter ; but Merton in a most gentle- 
manly manner said to Cowing, “ I don’t think you quite 
understand me. I intended to convey that our charm- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


27 


ing host and hostess were superior to the follies of fash- 
ion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome 
life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drink- 
ing afternoons, and living above their incomes.” 

I was immensely pleased with these sensible. remarks 
of Merton’s, and concluded that subject by saying : “ No, 
candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go into Society, because 
we do not care for it ; and what with the expense of 
cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white 
ties, etc., it doesn’t seem worth the money.” 

Merton said in reference to friends^ “My motto is 
‘ Few and True,’ and, by the way, I also apply that to 
wine, ‘Little and Good,’” and Gowing said: “Yes, 
and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old man?” Mer- 
ton still continuing, said : “ Tie should treat me as a 

friend, and put me down for a dozen of his ‘ Lockanhar ’ 
whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, T should 
have it for 36^., which was considerably under what he 
paid for it.” 

He booked his own order, and further said that at 
any time I wanted any passes for the theatre I was to 
let him know, as his name stood good for any theatre 
in London. 


April 20. — Carrie reminded me that as her old school 


28 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


friend, Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her hus- 
band had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would 
look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop 
a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, 
either for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or 
Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect. 

April 21. — Got a reply from Merton, saying he was 
very busy, and just at present couldn’t manage ji^^sses 
for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, 
but the best thing going on in London was the Brown 
Bushes., at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed 
seats for four ; also bill for whisky. 

April 23. — Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that 
was ), came to meat tea, and we left directly after for the 
Tank Theatre. We got a ’bus that took us to King’s 
Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the 
“Angel.” Mr. James each time insisting on paying 
for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that 
was quite enough. 

We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all 
our ’bus-load except an old woman with a basket 
seemed to be going in. I walked ahead and presented 
the tickets. The man looked at them, and called out, 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


29 


“ Mr. Willowly ! do you know anything about these?” 
holding up niy tickets. The gentleman called to, came 
up and examined my tickets, and said : “ Who gave 
you these ? ” I said rather indignantly : “ Mr. Merton, 
of course.” He said : “ Merton ? Who’s he ? ” I an- 
swered rather sharply, “ You ought to know, his name’s 
good at any theatre in London.” He replied : “ Oh ! is 
it? Well, it ain’t no good here. These tickets, which 
are owt dated, were issued under Mr. S Winstead’s man- 
agement, which has since changed hands.” While I 
was having some very unpleasant words with the man, 
James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called 
out : “ Come on ! ” I went up after them, and a very 
civil attendant said : “ This way, please, box H.” I 
said to James : “ Why, how on earth did you manage 
it ? ” and to my horror he replied : “ Why, paid for it, of 
course.” 

This Avas humiliating enough, and I could scarcely 
follow the play, hut I was doomed to still further 
humiliation. I Avas leaning out of the box, Avhen my 
tie — a little black bow Avhich fastened on to the stud 
by means of a new patent — fell into the pit beloAV. A 
clumsy man not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever 
so long before he discovered it. He then- picked it up 
and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust. 


80 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


What with the box incident and the tie, I felt quite 
miserable. Mr. Janies, of Sutton, was very good. He 
said : “ Don’t worry — no one will notice it with your 
beard. That is the only advantage of growing one 
that I can see.” There was no occasion for that 
remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard. 

To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin 
down the rest of the evening, which caused a pain at 
the back of my neck. 

April 24. — Could scarcely sleep a wink through 
thinking of having brought up Mr. and Mrs. James 
from the country to go to the theatre last night and 
his having paid for a private box because our order 
was not honored ; and such a poor play too. I 
wrote a very satirical letter to Merton, the wine mer- 
chant, who gave us the pass, and said, “ Considering 
we had to pay for our seats, we did our best to appre- 
ciate the performance.” I thought this line rather 
cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there were in 
appreciate, and she said, “ One.” After I sent off the 
letter I looked at the dictionary and found there were 
two. Awfully vexed at this. 

Decided not to worry myself any more about ths 
James’s; for, as Carrie wisely said, “ We’ll make it all 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


31 


right with them by asking them up from Sutton one 
evening next week, to play at Bezique.” 

April 25. — In consequence of Brickwell telling me 
his wife was working wonders with the new Pink- 
ford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it. I bought 
two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through 
tea, went into the garden and painted some flower- 
pots. I called out Carrie, who said : “ You’ve always 
got some new-fangled craze ; ” but she was obliged to 
admit that the flower-pots looked remarkably well. 
Went upstairs into the servant’s bedroom and painted 
her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers. 
To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, 
but as an example of the ignorance of the lower classes 
in the matter of taste, our servant Sarah, on seeing 
them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said : 
“ She thought they looked very well as they was be- 
fore.” 

April 26. — Got some more red enamel paint (red, to 
my mind, being the best color), and painted the coal- 
scuttle, and the backs of our Shakspeare., the binding 
of which had almost worn out. 


32 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


April 27.— Painted the hath red, and was delighted 
with the result. !Sorry to say Carrie was not, in 



I painted the washatand in the servant's room. 


fact we had a few words about it. She said I ought 
to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


33 


a thing as a hath being painted red. I replied : “ It’s 
merely a matter of taste.” 

Fortunately, further argument on the subject was 
stopped by a voice saying, “ May I come in ? ” It was 
only Cummings, who said, “Your maid opened the 
door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as 
she was wringing out some socks.” I was delighted 
to see him, and suggested we should have a game of 
whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment said : 
“ Yau can be the dummy.” Cummings (I thought 
rather ill-naturedly) replied : “ Funny as usual.” He 
said he couldn’t stop, he only called to leave me the 
Bicycle News., as he had done with it. 

Another ring at the bell ; it was Cowing, who said 
“ he must apologize for coming so often, and that one 
of these days we must come round to himP I said : 
“ A very extraordinary thing has struck me.” “ Some- 
thing funny, as usual,” said Cummings. “Yes,” I 
replied ; “ I think even you will say so this time. It’s 
concerning you both; for doesn’t it seem odd that 
Gowing’s ahA^ays coming, and Cumming’s always ^o- 
ingf^'' Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten about 
the bath, went into fits of laughter, and as for myselt, 
I fairly doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath 

3 


34 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


me. I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever 
made. 

Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both 
Cummings and Cowing perfectly silent, and without a 
smile on their faces. After rather an unpleasant pause, 
Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it up 
again and said: “Yes — I think, after that, I shall be 
going, and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your 
jokes.” Cowing said he didn’t mind a joke when it 
wasn’t rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was 
certainly a little wanting in good taste. Cummings 
followed it up by saying, if it had been said by any- 
one else but myself, he shouldn’t have entered the, 
house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated 
what might have been a cheerful evening. However, 
it was as well they went, for the charwoman had 
finished up the remains of the cold pork. 

April 28. — At the office, the new and very young 
clerk Pitt, who was very impudent to me a week or 
so ago was late again. I told him it would be my duty 
to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise 
Pitt apologized most humbly and in a most gentle- 
manly fashion. I was unfeignedly pleased to notice 
this improvement in his manner towards me, and told 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


35 


him I would look over his unpunctuality. Passing 
down the I’oom an hour later, I received a smart smack 
in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap. I 
turned round sharply, but all the clerks were appar- 
ently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but 
I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether that 
was thrown by accident or design. Went home early 
and bought some more enamel paint — ^black this time 
— and spent the evening touching up the fender, picture- 
frames, and an old pair of boots, making them look as 
good as new. Also painted Gowing’s walking-stick, 
which he left behind, and made it look like ebony. 

April 29. — Sunday. — Woke up with a fearful head- 
ache and strong symptoms of a cold. Carrie, with a 
perversity which is just like her, said it was “ painter’s 
colic,” and was the result of my having spent the last 
few days with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her 
firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the 
matter with me than she did. I had got a chill, and 
decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it. Bath 
ready — could scarcely bear it so hot. I persevered, and 
got in ; very hot, but very acceptable. I lay still for 
some time. 

On moving my hand above the surface of the water. 


36 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


I experienced the greatest fright I ever received in the 
whole course of my life; for imagine my horror on 
discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. My 



first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and 
was bleeding to death, and should be discovered, later 
on, lookmg like a second Marat, as I remember seeing 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


37 


him in Madame Tussaud’s. ^ly second thought was to 
ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to 
ring. My third was, that there was nothing but the 
enamel paint, which had dissolved with boiling water. 
I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over, re- 
sembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted at an 
East-End theatre. I determined not to say a word to 
Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and 
paint the bath white. 


38 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


CHAPTER IV. 

The Ball at the Mansion House. 

April 30. — Perfectly astounded at receiving an in- 
vitation for Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady 
Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “ meet the Rep- 
resentatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heart heat 
like that of a schoolboy’s. Carrie and I read the 
invitation over t^yN^o or three times. I could scarcely 
eat my breakfast. I said — and I felt it from the bottom 
of my heart, — “ Carrie darling, I was a proud man 
when I led you down the aisle of the church on our 
wedding-day ; that pride will be equalled, if not sur- 
passed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the 
Lord and Lady Mayoress at the Mansion House.” 
I saw the tears in Carrie’s eyes, and she said : “ Charlie 
dear, it is I who have to be proud of you. And I am 
very, very proud of you. You have called me jiretty ; 
and as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy. 
You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome, but you are 


THE BIAEY OF A NOBODY. 


39 


good., which is far more noble.” I gave her a kiss, and 
she said : “ I wonder if there will he any dancing ? 
I have not danced with you for years.” 

I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized 
her round the waist, and we were silly enough to be 
executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah entered, 
grinning, and said : “ There is a man, mum, at the 
door who wants to know if you want any good coals.” 
Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening in answering, 
and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion House, 
having left word with Sarah if Growing or Cummings 
called we were not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp 
how to answer the Lord Mayor’s invitation. 

May 1. — Carrie said : “ I should like to send mother 
the invitation to look at.” I consented, as soon as I 
had answ*ered it. I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, 
with a feeling of pride, that we had received an 
invitation to the Mansion House ; and he said, to my 
astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the 
Lord Mayor’s secretary. I felt this rather discounted 
the value of the invitation, but I thanked him ; and in 
reply to me, he described how I was to answer it. 
I felt the reply was too simple; but of course Mr. 
Perkupp knows best. 



• / seized her round the icaist, and we tcere silly enough to he executing a wild kind of 

polka when Sarah entered.^' 




THE BIAUY OF A NOBODY. 


41 


May 2. — Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the 
little tailor’s round the corner, to have the creases 
taken out. Told Gowing not to call next Monday, as 
we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar 
note to Cummings. 

May 3. — Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to 
consult about her dress for next Monday. While 
speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our head 
clerks, about the Mansion House, he said : “ Oh, I’m 
asked, but don’t think I shall go.” When a vulgar 
man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation is con- 
siderably discounted. In the e-vening, while I was out, 
the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, 
and because Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the 
pressing, he took them away again. 

May 4. — Carrie’s mother returned the Lord Mayor’s 
invitation, which was sent to her to look at, with 
apologies for having upset a glass of port over it. 
I was too angry to say anything. 

May 5. — Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for 
next Monday, and two white ties, in case one got 
spoiled in the tying. 


42 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


May 6, Sunday. — A very dull sermon, during which, 
I regret to say, I twice thought of the Mansion House 
reception to-morrow. 

May 7. — A big red-letter day ; viz., the Lord Mayor’s 
reception. The whole house upset. I had to get 
dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted the room 
to herself. Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to 
help Carrie ; so I could not help thinking it unreason- 
able that she should require the entire attention of 
Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out 
of the house to fetch “ something for missis,” and 
several times I had, in my full evening-dress, to an- 
swer the hack-door. 

The last time it was the green-grocer’s hoy, who, 
not seeing it was me, for Sarah had not lighted 
the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages and half- 
a-dozen coal blocks. I indignantly threw them on the 
ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself 
as to box the boy’s ears. He went away crying, and 
said he should summons me, a thing I would not have 
happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a 
piece of the cabbage, which brought me down on the 
flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned, but 
whe^j I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing- 



“ The gveengrocev' s hoy . . . pushed into my hands two cabbages and, 
half-a-dozen coal blocks. 




44 


THE hiahy of a nobody. 


room, and on looking into the chimney-glass discovered 
that my chin was bleeding, my shirt smeared with 
the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the 
knee. 

However, Mrs. James brought me down another 
shirt, which I changed in the drawing-room. I put a 
piece of court-plaister on my chin, and Sarah very 
neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o’clock 
Carrie swept into the room, looking like a queen. 
Never have I seen her look so lovely, or so distinguished. 
She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue — my favorite 
color — and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, 
round the shoulders, to give a finish. I thought per- 
haps the dress was a little too long behind, and decid- 
edly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was d la 
mode. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a 
fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she 
said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the 
Kachu eagle — a bird now extinct. I preferred the 
little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six 
at Schoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once. 

We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which 
was rather fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speak- 
ing to his lordship, who graciously condescended to 
talk with me some minutes ; but I must say I was dis- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


45 


appointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp 
our principal. 

I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House 
by one who did not know the Lord Mayor himself. 
Crowds arrived, and I shall never forget the grand 
sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was 
a little annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying : “ Isn’t 
it a pity we don’t know anybody ? ” 

Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who 
looked like Franching, from Peckham, and was mov- 
ing towards him when she seized me by the coat-tails, 
and said, quite loudly : “ Don’t leave me,” which 
caused an elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain 
round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing. 
There was an immense crowd in the supper-room, and, 
my stars ! it was a splendid supper — any amount of 
champagne. 

Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was 
pleased; for I sometimes think she is not strong. 
There was scarcely a dish she did not taste. I was so 
thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap 
on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw 
Farmerson, our ironmonger. He said, in the most 
familiar way : “ This is better than Brickfield Terrace, 
eh?” I simply looked at him, and said coolly: “I 


46 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


never expected to see you here.” He said, with a loud, 
coarse laugh : “ I like that — if yow, why not me ? ” I 
replied : “ Certainly.” I wish I could have thought 
of something better to say. He said : “ Can I get 
your good lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I 
thank you,” for which I was pleased. I said, by way of 
reproof to him : “You never sent to-day to paint 
the bath, as I requested.” Farmerson said : “ Pardon 
me, Mr. Footer, no shop when we’re in company, please.” 

Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, 
in full Court costume, slapped Farmerson on the back 
and hailed him as an old friend, and asked him to dine 
with him at his lodge. I was astonished. For full 
five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and 
stood digging each other in the ribs. They kept telling 
each other they didn’t look a day older. They began 
embracing each other and drinking champagne. 

To think that a man who mends our scraper should 
know any member of our aristocracy ! I was just 
moving with Carrie, when Farmerson seized me rather 
roughly by the collar, and, addressing the Sheriff, said : 
“Let me introduce my neighbor. Footer.” He did 
not even say “Mister.” The Sheriff handed me a 
glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was a great 
honor to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 47 

him so. We stood chatting for some time, and at last 
I said : “ i"ou must excuse me now if I join Mrs. 
Footer.” When I approached her, she said : “ Don’t 
let me take you away from friends. I am quite happy 
standing here alone in a crowd, knowing nobody ! ” 

As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was 
neither the time nor the place for it, I gave my arm to 
Carrie, and said : “ I hope my darling little wife will 
dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we had 
danced at the Mansion House, as guests of the Lord 
Mayor.” Finding the dancing after supper was less 
formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to admire 
my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round 
her waist and we commenced to waltz. 

A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got 
on a new pair of boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to 
take Carrie’s advice ; namely, to scratch the soles of 
them with the points of the scissors or to put a little 
wet on them. I had scarcely started when, like light- 
ning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the 
side of my head striking the floor with such violence 
that for a second or two I did not know what had hap- 
pened. I need hardly say that Carrie fell with me with 
equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and 
grazing her elbow. 


48 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately 
checked when people found that we had really hurt 
ourselves. A gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and 
I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of 
having a plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget 
to prevent people slipping. The gentleman, who said 
his name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting Carrie to 
have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleased 
to allow Carrie to accept. 

I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately 
said, in his loud voice: “Oh, are you the one who 
went down ? ” 

I answered with an indignant look. 

With execrable taste, he said : “Look here, old man, 
we are too old for this game. We must leave these 
capers to the youngsters. Come and have another 
glass, that is more in our line.” 

Although I felt I was buying his silence by accept- 
ing, we followed the others into the supper-room. 

Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, 
felt inclined to stay longer. As we were departing, 
Farmerson said: “Are you going? if so, you might 
give me a lift.” 

I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first 
consulted Carrie. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


49 


CHAPTER V. 

After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. 
Cowing also offended. A pleasant party at the 
Cummings\ Mr. Framing., of Beckham., visits us. 

May 8. — I woke uj) with a most terrible headache. 
I could scarcely see, and the hack of my neck was as 
if I had given it a crick. I thought first of sending 
for a doctor ; but I did not think it necessary. When 
up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, 
who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to 
get leave to come home. Went to another chemist in 
the City and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seems 
to have made me worse, have eaten nothing all day. 
To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to 
her, answered me sharply — that is, when she answered 
at all. 

In the evening I felt very much worse again and said 
to her : “ I do believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster 
mayonnaise at the Mansion House last night ; ” she 
simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sev/- 


50 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


ing: “ Champagne never did agree with you.” I felt 
irritated, and said : “ What nonsense you talk ; I only 
had a glass and a half, and you know as well as I 

do ” Before I could complete the sentence she 

bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting 
for her to return ; hut as she did not, I determined I 
would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed 
without even saying “ good-night ” ; leaving me to bar 
the scullery door and feed the cat. I shall certainly 
speak to her about this in the morning. 

May 9. — Still a little shaky, with black specs. The 
BlacJcfriars Bi-weeMy News contains a long list of the 
guests at the Mansion House ball. Disappointed to 
find our names omitted, though Farmerson’s is in 
plainly enough with M. L. L. after, it whatever that 
may mean. More than vexed, because we had ordered 
a dozen copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the 
Blackfriars Bi-weeMy News, pointing out their omis- 
sion. 

Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered 
the parlor. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I 
said, perfectly calmly and quietly : “ Carrie, I wish a 
little explanation of your conduct last night.” 

She replied, “ Indeed ! and I desire something more 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


51 


than a little explanation of your conduct the night 
before.” 

I said, coolly : “ Really, I don’t understand you.” 

Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were 
scarcely in a condition to understand anything.” 

I was astounded at this insinuation and simply 
ejaculated : “ Caroline ! ” 

She said : “ Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect on 
me. Reserve that tone for your new friend. Mister Far- 
merson, the ironmonger.” 

I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such 
as I have never seen her in before, told me to hold my 
tongue. She said : “Now Tm going to say something, 
After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit 
him to snub yo?/, in my presence, and then accept his 
invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and 
you don’t limit yourself to one glass. You then offer 
this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our 
scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say 
nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in the 
cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s expensive fan, 
which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he 
never even apologized ; but you smoked all the way 
home without having the decency to ask my permis- 
sion. That is not all! At the end of the journey, 


52 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


although he did not offer you a farthing towards his 
share of the cab, you asked him in. Fortunately he was 
sober enough to 
detect, from my 
manner, that his 
company was 
not desirable.” 

Goodness 
knows I felt 
humiliated 
enough at this 3 
but, to make 
matters worse, 

Gowing entered 
the room, with- 
out knocking, 

Mr, Farmerson smokes all the way home 
Avith two hats in the cab. 

on his head 

and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s 
fur tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall 
peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, 
coarse voice : “ His Koyal Highness, the Lord Mayor ! ” 
He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and, 
finding we took no notice, said : “ Hulloh ! what’s up ? 
Lovers’ quarrel, eh ? ” 



THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 53 

There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly : 
“ My dear Gowing, I’m not very well, and not quite 
in the humor for joking ; especially when you enter 
the room without knocking, an act which I fail to see 
the fun of.” 

Gowing said : “ I’m very sorry, but I called for my 
stick, which I thought you would have sent round.” 

I handed him his stick, which I remembered I had 

/ 

painted black, with the enamel paint, thinking to im- 
prove it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed 
expression and said : “ Who did this ? ” 

I said : “ Eh ? Did what ? ” 

He said : “ Did what ? Why, destroyed my stick ! 
It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than 
anything I have in the world ! I’ll know who did it.” 

I said : “ I’m very sorry. I daresay it will come 
off. I did it for the best.” 

Gowing said : “ Then all I can say is, it’s a con- 
founded liberty; and I would add, you’re a bigger 
fool than you look, only thafs absolutely impossible.” 

May 12. — Got a single copy of the BlacJcfriars Bi- 
weekly News. There was a short list of several names 
they had omitted; but the stupid people had men- 
tioned our names as “ Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.” Most 


54 


THE DIABT OF A NOBODY. 


annoying! Wrote again and I took particular care to 
write our name in capital letters, POO TEP^ so that 
there should be no possible mistake this time. 

May 16. — Absolutely disgusted on opening the 
Blackfriars Pi-weeJcly Eeivs of to-day, to find the 
following paragraph : “ We have received two letters 
from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to 
announce the important fact that they were at the 
Mansion House Ball.” I tore up the paper and threw 
it in the waste-paper basket. My time is far too 
valuable to bother about such trifies. 

May 21. — The last week or ten days terribly dull, 
Carrie being away at Mrs. James’s, at Sutton. Cum- 
mings also away. Cowing, I presume, is still offended 
with me for black-enamelling his stick without asking* 
him. 


May 22. — Purchased a new stick mounted with 
silver, which cost seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie 
five shillings), and sent it romid with nice note to 
Cowing. 


THM BIABT OF A NOBODY, 


55 


May 23. — Received strange note from Gowing; he 
says : “ Offended ? not a bit, my boy. I thought you 
were offended with me for losing my temper. Besides, 
I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s stick 
you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at 
a tobacconist’s. However, I am much obliged to you 
for your handsome present all the same.” 

May 24. — Carrie back. Hoorah ! She looks wonder- 
fully well, except that the sun has caught her 
nose. 

May 25. — Carrie brought down some of my shirts 
and advised me to take them to Trillip’s round the 
corner. She said : “The fronts and cuffs are much 
frayed.” I said without a moment’s hesitation : “ I’m 
'‘frayed they are.” Lor ! how we roared. I thought 
we should never stop laughing. As I happened to be 
sitting next the driver going to town on the ’bus, I 
told him my joke about the “ frayed ” shirts. I 
thought he would have rolled off his seat. They 
laughed at the office a good bit too over it. 


May 26. — Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip’s. 


56 


THE JDIABY OF A NOBODY. 


I said to him : “ I’m ^raid they are frayed^'' He said, 
without a smile : “ They’re bound to do that, sir.” 
Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of 
humor. 

JUNE 1. — The last week has been like old times, 
Carrie being back, and Gowing and Cummings calling 
every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in the garden 
quite late. This evening we were like a pack of 
children, and played “consequences.” It is a good 
game. 

June 2. — Consequences again this evening. Not 
quite so successful as last night; Gowing having 
several times overstepped the limits of good taste. 

June 4. — In the evening Carrie and I went round to 
Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’ to spend a quiet evening 
with them. Gowing was there, also Mr. Stillbrook. 
It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings sang five 
or six songs, “ No, Sir,” and “ The Garden of Sleep,” 
being best in my humble judgment ; but what pleased 
me most was the duet she sang with Carrie — classical 
duet, too. I think it is called, “ I would that my 
love ! ” It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in better 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


57 


voice, I don’t think professionals could have sung it 
better. After supper we made them sing it again. 
I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday 
to the “ Cow and Hedge,” hut I must say he sings 
comic-songs well. His song: “We don’t want the 
old men now,” made us shriek with laughter, especially 
the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone ; but there was 
one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said 
so, but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot. 

June 6. — Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my 
disgust, his charge for repairing was more than I gave 
for them when new. I told him so, and he imperti- 
nently replied : “Well, they are better now than when 
they were new.” I paid him, and said it was a rob- 
bery. He said : “ If you wanted your shirt-fronts 
made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing 
and bookbinding, why didn’t you say so ? ” 

June 7. — A dreadful annoyance. Met IVIr. Franch- 
ing, who lives at Peckham, and who is a great swell in 
his way. I ventured to ask him to come home to 
meat-tea and take pot-luck. I did not think he would 
accept such a humble invitation ; but he did, saying, 
in a most friendly way, he would rather “ peck ” with 


58 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


We had better get into 


us than by himself. I said : 
this blue ’bus.” He replied : 
“No blue-bussing for me. 
I have had enough of the 
blues lately. I lost a cool 
‘thou’ over the Copper 
Scare. Step in here.” 

We drove up home in 
style, in a hansom-cah, and 
I knocked three times at the 
front door without getting 
an answer. I saw Carrie, 
through the panels of 
ground-glass (with stars), 
rushing up stairs. I told 


Mr. Franching to wait at the 
door while I went round to 
the side. There I saw the 
grocer’s hoy actually pick- 
ing off the paint on the door, which had formed into 
blisters. No time to reprove him ; so went round and 
effected an entrance through the kitchen window. I 
let in ^Ir. Franching, and showed him into the drawing- 
room. I went up stairs to Carrie, who was changing 
her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching 



Mr. Franching., of Peckham. 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


59 



The grocer boy was actually 'picking off the paint on the side door, 
'Which had formed into blisters. 


60 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


to come home. She replied : “ How can you do such a 
thing? You know it’s Sarah’s holiday, and there’s not 
a thing in the house, the cold mutton having turned 
with the hot weather.” 

Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, 
slipped down, washed up the tea-cups, and laid the 
cloth, and I gave Franching our views of Japan to look 
at while I ran round to the butcher’s to get three 
chops. 

July 30. — The miserable cold weather is either up- 
setting me or Carrie, or both. We seem to break out 
into an argument about absolutely nothing, and this 
unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal- 
times. 

This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we 
were talking about balloons, and we were as merry as 
possible; but the conversation drifted into family 
matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest 
reason, referred in the most uncomplimentary manner 
to my poor father’s pecuniary trouble. I retorted by 
saying that “Pa, at all events, was a gentleman,” 
whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could 
not eat any breakfast. 

At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


61 


he was very sorry, but I should have to take my an- 
nual holidays from next Saturday. Franching called 
at office and asked me to dine at his club, “ The Con- 
stitutional.” Fearing disagreeables at home after the 
“ tiff ” this morning, I sent a telegram to CSrrie, tell- 
ing her I was going out to dine and she was not to sit 
up. Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie. 

July 31. — Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, 
which I left with an affectionate note on her dressing- 
table last night before going to bed. I told Carrie we 
should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. 
She replied quite happily that she did not mind, except 
that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss 
Jibbons w^ould not be able to get her a seaside dress in 
time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with 
pink bows looked quite good enough ; and Carrie said 
she should not think of wearing it. I was about to 
discuss the matter, when, remembering the argument 
yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue. 

I said to Carrie : “ I don’t think we can do better 
than ‘ Good old Broadstairs.’ ” Carrie not only, to my 
astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, for 
the first time ; but begged me not to use the expres- 
sion, ‘‘ Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and 


62 the diary of a nobody. 

other gentlexnen of his type. Hearing my ’bus pass the 
window, I was obliged to rush out of the house with- 
out kissing Carrie as usual, and I shouted to her : “ I 
leave it to you to decide.” On returning in the even- 
ing, Carrie said she thought as the time was so short 
she had decided on Broadstairs, and had written to 
Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for apartments. 

August 1. — Ordered a new pair of trousers at Ed- 
wards’s, and told them not to cut them so loose over 
the boot ; the last pair being so loose and also tight at 
the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, that 
objectionable youth at the office, call out “ Hornpipe” 
as I passed his desk. Carrie has ordered of Miss 
Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue serge skirt, which I 
always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the 
evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I 
Exchange and Alar t. We had a^good 
laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished 
it ; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, 
and how the people would have roared if I went on the 
stage like it. 

August 2. — Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have 
our usual rooms at Broadstairs. That’s off our mind. 


THE niAEY OF A NOBOHY. 63 

Bought a colored shirt and a pair of tan-coiored 
boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in 
the City, and I hear are all the “ go.” 

August 3. — A beautiful day. Looking forward to 
to-morrow. Carrie bought a parasol about five feet 



Young Pitt called out “ Hornpipe'' as I passed his desk. 


64 


THE DTARY OF A NOBODY. 


long. I told her it was ridiculous. She said ; “ Mrs. 
James, of Sutton, has one twice as long ; ” so the mat- 
ter dropped. I bought a capital hat for hot weather 
at the seaside. I don’t know what it is called, hut it 
is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made of 
straw. Got three new ties, two colored handker- 
chiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers. 
Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me not to 
forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which he 
always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of 
it. Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was 
seeming so bright, the last post brought us a letter 
from Mrs. Beck, saying : “ I have just let all my house 
to one party, and am sorry I must take back my words, 
and am sorry you must find other apartments ; but 
Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to accom- 
modate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, 
as her rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.” 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


65 


CHAPTER yi. 

The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son^ 'Willie 
Lupin Footer, 

August 4. — The first post brought a nice letter 
from our dear son Willie, acknowledging a trifling 
present which Carrie sent him, the day before yester- 
day being his twentieth birthday. To our utter 
amazement he turned up himself in the afternoon, 
having journeyed all the way from Oldham. lie said 
he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a 
holiday he thought he would give us a little surprise. 

August 5. — Sunday. — We have not seen Willie since 
last Christmas, and are pleased to notice what a fine 
young man he has grown. One would scarcely believe 
he was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a younger 
brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check 
suit on a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to 
church this morning ; but he said he was tired after yes- 
terday’s journey, so I refrained from any remark on the 


66 


THE HI All Y OF A NOBODY. 


subject. We bad a bottle of port for dinner, and drank 
dear Willie’s health. 

lie said : “ Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut my 
first name, ‘ William,’ and taken the second name 
‘ Lupin ’ ? In fact, I’m only known at Oldham as 
‘ Lupin Footer.’ 

If you were to 
‘ Willie’ me there 
they would n’t 
know what you 
m e a n t.” O f 
course. Lupin be- 
ing a purely fam- 
ily name, Carrie 
w a s delighted, 
and be g a n by 
giving a long 
history of the 
Lupins. I ven- 
tured to say that 

Lupin. 

I thought Wil- 
liam a nice simple name, and reminded him he was 
christened after his Uncle William, who was much re- 
spected in the City. Willie, in a manner which I did 
not much care for, said sneeringly : “ Oh, I know all 



THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 67 

about that — Good old Bill ! ” and helped himself to a 
third glass of port. 

Carrie objected strongly to my saying “ Good old,” 
but she made no remark when Willie used the double 
adjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which 
meant more. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you 
are happy with your colleagues at the bank.” He re- 
plied : “ Lupin, if you please ; and with respect to the 
bank, there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the 
‘ boss ’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I could say noth- 
ing, and my instinct told me there was something 
wrong. 

August 6.— Bank Holiday. — As there was no sign of 
Lupin moving at nine o’clock, I knocked at his door, 
and said we usually breakfasted at half-past eight, and 
asked how long would he be ? Lupin replied that he 
had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking 
the house all night, and then with the sun streaming 
in through the window in his eyes, and giving him a 
cracking headache. Carrie came up and asked if he 
would like to have some breakfast sent up, and he said 
he could do with a cup of tea, and didn’t want anything 
to eat. 

Lupin not having come down, I went up again at 


68 


THE niAEY OF A NOBODY. 


half-past one, and said we dined at two ; he said he 
“would be there. ” He never came down till a quarter 
to three. I said : “ We have not seen much of you, 
and you will have to return by the 5.30 train ; there- 
fore you will have to leave in an hour, unless you go 
by the midnight mail.” He said : “ Look here, Guv’nor, 
it’s no use beating about the bush. I’ve tendered my 
resignation at the bank.” 

For a moment I could hot speak. When my speech 
came again, I said : “ How dare you, sir ? How dare 

you take such a serious step without consulting me ? 
Don’t answer me, sir! — you will sit down immedi- 
ately, and write a note at my dictation, withdrawing 
your resignation and amply apologizing for your 
thoughtlessness.” Imagine my dismay when he re- 
plied with a loud guffaw : “ It’s no use. If you want 
the good old truth, I’ve got the chuck ! ” 

August 7. — Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to 
postpone my holiday a week, as we could not get the 
room. This will give us an opportunity of trying to 
find an appointment for Willie before we go. The 
ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perk- 
upp’s firm. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


69 


August 11. — Although it is a serious matter having 
our hoy Lupin on our hands, still it is satisfactory to 
know he was asked to resign from the hank simply 
because “ he took no interest in his work, and always 
arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We can 
all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light 
heart. This will take my mind off the worry of the 
last few days, which have been wasted over a useless 
correspondence with the manager of the bank at 
Oldham. 

August 13. — Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice 
apartments near the station. On the cliff they would 
have been double the price. The landlady had a nice 
five o’clock dinner and tea ready, which we all enjoyed, 
though Lupin seemed fastidious because there hap- 
pened to he a fly in the butter. It was very wet in 
the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a 
good excuse for going to bed early. Lupin said he 
would sit up and read a bit. 

August 14. — I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, 
instead of reading last night, had gone to a common 
sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly Rooms. I 
expressed my opinion that such performances were un- 


70 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


worthy of respectable patronage ; but be replied : “ Oh, 
it was only ‘ for one night only.’ I bad a fit of the 
blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly 
Presswell, England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I 
was proud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie 
said : “ Do let the hoy alone. He’s quite old enough 
to take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s a gentle- 
man. Remember - you were young once yourself.” 
Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go out. 

August 15. — Cleared up a bit ; so we all took the 
train to Margate, and the first person \ve met on the 
jetty was Cowing. I said: “Hulloh! I thought 
you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham 
friends ?” He said : “Yes, hut yoiing Peter Lawrence 
was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came down 
here. You know the Cummings are here too ? ” Car- 
rie said : “ Oh, that will be delightful ! We must have 
some evenings together and have games.” I intro- 
duced Lupin, saying : “You will be pleased to find we 
have our dear hoy at home ! ” Cowing said : “ How’s 
that? You don’t mean to say he’s left the bank ?” 

I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided 
any of those awkward questions which Cowing always 
has a knack of asking. 


THE BIAUY OF A NOBODY. 71 

August 16. — Lupin positively refused to walk down 
the Parade with me because I was wearing my new 
straw helmet with my frock coat. I don’t know what 
the hoy is coming to. 

August 17. — Lupin not falling in with our views, 
Carrie and I went for a sail. It was a relief to he 



“ Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me because 
I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock coat.’’ 


72 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, she 
always sides with him. On our return, he said : “ Oh, 
you’ve been on the ‘ Shilling Emetic,’ have you ? 
You’ll come to six-pennorth on the ‘Liver Jerker’ 
next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected 
not to understand him. 

August 18. — Gowing and Cummings walked over to 
arrange an evening at Margate. It being wet, Gowing 
asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel and 
have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in 
fact disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must 
hasten back to Margate ; whereupon Lupin, to my 
horror, said “ I’ll give you a game, Gowing — a hundred 
up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite 
for dinner.” I said : “ Perhaps Mister Gowing does 
not care to play with hoys.” Gowing surprised me by 
saying : “ Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they 
walked off together. 

August 19, Sunday. — I was about to read Lupin a 
sermon on smoking (which he indulges in violently) 
and billiards, hut he put on his hat and walked out. 
Carrie then read me a long sermon on the palpable 
inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


73 


child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the even- 
ing I offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, 
after a few whiffs, said : “ This is a good old tup’ny— 
try one of mine,” and he handed me a cigar as long as 
it was strong, which is saying a good deal. 

August 20. — I am glad our last day at the seaside 
was fine, though clouded overhead. We went over to 
Cummings’s (at Margate) in the evening, and as it was 
cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as 
usual, overstepping the mark. He suggested we 
should play “ Cutlets,” a game we never heard of. 
He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his 
lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly de- 
clined. 

After some species of wrangling I sat on Gowing’s 
knees and Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat 
on the edge of Carrie’s lap, then Cummings on Lupin’s, 
and Mrs. Cummings on her husband’s. We looked 
very ridiculous, and laughed a good deal. 

Gowing then said : “ Are you a believer in the Great 
Mogul? ” We had to answer all together : “ Yes — oh, 
yes ? ” (three times). Gowing said : “ So am I,” and 
suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was 
that we all fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged 



\ ''' 
















Govoing suddenly got up from his chair. 



7 () THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 

her head against the corner of the fender. Mrs. 
Cummings put some vinegar on ; hut through this we 
missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broad- 
stairs, which cost me seven-and-sixpence. 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


77 


CHAPTER VII. 


Home again. Mrs. tfames's influence on Carrie. Can 
get nothing for Lupin. Hext-door neighbors are 
a little troublesome. Someone tampers with my 
diary. Cot a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us 
with an announcement. 


August 22. — Home sweet Home again ! Carrie 
bought some pretty blue- wool mats to stand vases on. 
Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are sorry they 
have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin. 

August 23. — I bought a pair of stags’ heads made of 
plaster-of-Paris and colored brown. They will look 
just the thing for our little hall, and give it style ; the 
heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and Smith 
are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin. 


78 


THE BIAEY OF A NOBODY. 


August 24. — Simply to please Lupin, and make 
things cheerful for him, as he is a little down, Carrie 
invited Mrs. James to come 
up from Sutton and spend 
two or three days with us. 

We have not said a word 
to Lupin, hut mean to keep 
it as a surprise. 

August 25. — Mrs. James, 

of Sutton, arrived in the 

afternoon, bringing with her 

an enormous bunch of wild 

flowers. The more I see of 

Mrs. James the nicer I 

think she is, and she is 

devoted to Carrie. She 

went into Carrie’s room to 

take off her bonnet, and 

remained there nearly an 

hour talking about dress. A 

Lupin said he was not a 

bit surprised at Mrs. James’ 

visit, but was surprised at ^ ^ stag\^ head made 

of plaster -of -Paris. 

her. 



August 26, Sunday.— Nearly late for church, Mrs. 


THE BIAEY OF A NOBODY. 79 

James having talked considerably about what to wear 
all the morning. Lupin does not seem to get on very 
well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some 
trouble with our next-door neighbors who came in 
last Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive 
up in dog-carts, have already made themselves ob- 
jectionable. 

An evening or two ago I had put on a white waist- 
coat for coolness, and while walking past with my 
thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I have), one 
man, seated in the cart, and looking an American, 
commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about “ I had 
thirteen dollars in my waistcoat pochetP I fancied it 
was meant for me, and my suspicions were confirmed ; 
for while walking around the garden in my tall hat 
this afternoon, a “ throw-down” cracker was de- 
liberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a 
percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I 
saw the man who was in the cart retreating from one 
of the bedroom windows. 


August 27. — Carrie and Mrs. James went off shop- 
ping, and had not returned when I came back from the 
office. Judging from the subsequent conversation, I 
am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a 


80 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


lot of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gow- 
ing’s, and asked him to drop in to supper, and make 
things pleasant. 

Carrie prepared a little extemporized supper, con- 
sisting of the remainder of the cold joint, a small piece 
of salmon (which I was to refuse, in case there was 
not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and cus- 
tards. There was also a decanter of port and some 
jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made us 
play rather a good game with cards, called “ Mug- 
gings.” To my surprise, in fact disgust. Lupin got 
up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said : 
“ Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me. I 
shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles Tn the 
back-garden.” 

Things might have become rather disagreeable but 
for Gowing (who seems to have taken to Lupin) sug- 
gesting they should invent games. Lupin said : “ Let’s 
play ‘ monkeys.’ ” He then led Gowing all round the 
room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass. 
I must confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a 
little vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at 
some joke which they did not explain, and it was only 
on going to bed I discovered I must have been walk- 


THE BIAEY OF A NOBODY. 


81 


iDg about all the evening with an antimacassar on 
one button of my coat-tails. 

August 28. — Found a large brick in the midled bed 
of geraniums, evidently come from next door. Patties 
and Patties can’t find a place for Lupm. 

August 29. — Mrs. James is making a positive fool 
of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a new dress like a smock- 
frock. She said “ smocking ” was all the rage. I replied 
it put me in a rage. She also had on a hat as big as a 
kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James 
went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat 
pleased — the first time we have agreed on a single 
subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they 
have no vacancy for Lupin. 

October 30. — I should very much like to know who 
has wilfully torn the last five or six weeks out of my 
diary. It is perfectly monstrous ! Mine is a large 
scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record 
of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record 
I take (with much pride) a great- deal of pains. 

I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She 
replied it was my own fault for leaving the diary about 


82 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


with a charwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the 
house. I said that was not an answer to my question. 
This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, 
would have been more effective had I not jogged my 
elbow against a vase on a table temporarily placed in 
the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it. 

Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it 
was one of a pair of vases which cannot he matched, 
given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs. Burtsett, an 
old friend of Carrie’s cousins, the Pommertons, late of 
Dalston. I called to Sarah, and asked her about the 
diary. She said she had not been in the sitting-room 
at all ; after the sweep had left, Mrs. Birr ell (the char- 
woman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire her- 
self. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I 
examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. 
So it was evident someone had torn my diary to light 
the fire. I requested Mrs. Birrell to he sent to me to- 
morrow. 

October 31. — Received a letter from our principal, 
Mr. Perkupp, saying that he thinks he knows of a 
place at last for our dear hoy Lupin. This, in a meas- 
ure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary ; 
for I am bomid to confess the last few weeks have 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


83 


been devoted to the record of disappointing answers 
received from people to whom I had applied for ap- 
pointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell called, and in reply 
to me, said : “ She never see no book, much less take 
such a liberty as touch it.’’^ 

I said I was determined to find out who did it, 
whereupon she said she would do her best to help me ; 
but she remembered the sweep lighting the fire with a 
bit of the £Jcho. I requested the sweep to be sent to 
me to-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a 
latchkey ; we never seem to see anything of him. 
I sat up till past one for him, and then retired tired. 

Novembee 1. — My entry yesterday about “ retired 
tired,” which I did not notice at the time, is rather 
funny. If I were not so worried just now, I might 
have had a little joke about it. The sweep called, but 
had the audacity to come up to the hall-door and leave 
his dirty bag of soot on the doorstep. He, however, 
’'^as so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said Sarah 
lighted the fire.* Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for 
she was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and 
fiew into a temper with the sweep, causing a row on 
the front doorsteps, which I would not have had 
happen for anything. I ordered her about her business. 


84 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


and told the sweep I was sorry to have troubled him ; 
and so I was, for the doorsteps were covered with 
soot in consequence of his visit. I would willingly 
give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary. 

November 2. — I spent the evening quietly with 
Carrie, of whose company I never tire. We had a 
most pleasant chat about the letters on “ Is Marriage 
a Failure ? ” It has been no failure in our case. In 
talking over our own happy experiences, we never 
noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled 
by hearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come 
in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the 
passage, or even to look into the room where we were, 
but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise. 
I asked him to come down for a moment, and he 
begged to be excused, as he was “dead beat,” an 
observation that was scarcely consistent with the fact 
that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, be was 
positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, 
“ See me dance the polka ! ” or some such nonsense. 

November 3. — Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has 
got an appointment for Lupin, and he is to go and see 
about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is relieved ! 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


85 



I went to Lupin’s room to take the good news to him, 
but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it 
over till the evening. 

He said he had last night been elected a member 
of an Amateur Dra- 
matic Club, called the 
“ Holloway Come- 
dians ; ” and, though 
it was a pleasant 
evening, he had sat 
in a draught, and got 
neuralgia in the head. 

He declined to have 
any breakfast, so I 
left him. 

In the even- 
ing I had up a 
special bottle 
of port, and, 

Lupin being in 
for a wonder, 
we filled our 
glasses, and I 

said : “ Lupin, my hoy, I have some good and unex- 
pected news for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured you 


Mr. Perkupp. 



86 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


an appointment ! ” Lupin said : “ Good biz ! ” and we 
drained our glasses. Lupin then said : “ Fill up the 
glasses again, for I have some good and unexpected 
news for you.” I had some slight misgivings, and so 
evidently had Carrie, for she said : “ I hope we shall 
think it good news.” Lupin said : “ Oh, it’s all right ! 
Tm engaged to he married / ” 



Lupin said: “7’?n engaged to he married. 


88 


THE HI AMY OF A NOBODY, 


CHAPTER YIII. 

Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin's new 
berth. Fireworks at the Cumming' s. The Hollo- 
way Comedians." Sarah quarrels with the char- 
10 Oman. Lupin? s uncalled-for interference. Am 
introduced to Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a 
party in her honor. 

November 5. — Sunday. — Carrie and I troubled about 
that mere boy Lupin getting engaged to be married 
without consulting us or anything. After dinner he 
told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was 
Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and 
most accomplished girl he ever met. He loved her 
the moment he saw her, and if he had to wait fifty 
years, he would wait, and he knew she would wait for 
him. 

Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world 
was a different world to him now, — it was a world worth 
living in. He lived with an object now, and that was 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 89 

to make Daisy Mutlar — Daisy Footer, and he would 
guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the 
Footers. Carrie here burst out crying, and threw her 
arms round his neck and in doing so, upset the glass 
of port he held in his hands all over his new light 
trousers. 

I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar 
when we saw her, hut Carrie said she loved her al- 
ready. I thought this rather premature, but held my 
tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversa- 
tion for the remainder of the day. I asked Lupin who 
her people were, and he replied : “ Oh, you know Mut- 
lar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, but re- 
frained from asking any further questions at present, 
for fear of irritating Lupin. 

November 6 . — Lupin went with me to the office, and 
had a long conversation with Mr. Ferkupp, our prin- 
cipal, the result of which was that he accepted a clerk- 
ship in the firm of Job Cleanands & Co., Stock and 
Share Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an ad- 
vertising firm, and he did not think much of it. I re- 
plied : “ Beggars should not be choosers ; ” and I will 
do Lupin the justice to say he looked rather ashamed 
of himself. 


90 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to 
have a few fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought 
it rather dull. One of my squibs would not go off, and 
Go wing said : “ Hit it on your boot, boy ; it will .go 
off then.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my 
boot, and it went off with one loud explosion, and 
burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the rest of the 
squibs to the little Cummings boy to let off. 

Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought 
a heap of abuse on my head. Cummings fastened a 
large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground by way 
of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it ; said 
it cost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in 
getting it alight. At last it went off ; but after a cou- 
ple of slow revolutions, it stopped. I had my stick 
with me, so I gave it a tap to send it around, and unfortu- 
nately, it fell off the stake on to the grass. Anybody 
would have thought I had set the house on fire from 
the way in which they stormed at me. I will never 
join in any more fireworks parties. It is a ridiculous 
waste of time and money. 

November 7. — Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. 
Mutlar, but Carrie said she thought Mrs. Mutlar 
ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie, and 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


91 


this led to an argument. However, the matter was 
settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting- 
cards, and we must get some more printed, and when 
they were finished would be quite time enough to dis- 
cuss the etiquette of calling. 

November 8. — I ordered some of our cards at Black’s, 
the stationer’s. I ordered twenty-five of each, which 
will last us for a good long time. In the evening. 
Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar’s brother. 
He was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was 
the most popular and best amateur in the club, refer- 
ring to the “ Holloway Comedians.” Lupin whispered 
to us that if we could only “ draw out ” Harry a bit, he 
would make us roar with laughter. 

At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. 
He took up a knife, and with the flat part of it played 
a tune on his cheek in a wonderful manner. He also 
gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smok- 
ing a big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar 
sent Carrie into fits. 

In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped 
up, and young Mutlar said he would bring his sister 
round to us one evening — his parents being rather old- 
fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie said we 


92 THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 

would get up a little special party. As young Mutlar 
showed no inclination to go, and it was approaching 
eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to 
he up early to-morrow. Instead of taking the hint, 
Mutlar began a series of comic imitations. He went 
on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could 
scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an ex- 
cuse, and said “ Good-night.” 

Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whis- 
pering in the hall something about the “ Holloway 
Comedians,” and to my disgust, although it was past 
midnight. Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went 
out with his new companion. 

Novembee 9. — My endeavors to discover who tore 
the sheets out of my diary still fruitless. Lupin has 
Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see little of him, ex- 
cept that he invariably turns up at meal- times. Cum- 
mings dropped in. 

Novembek 10. — Lupin seems to like his new berth — • 
that’s a comfort. Daisy Mutlar the sole topic of conver- 
sation during tea. Carrie almost as full of it as Lupin. 
Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he has been per- 
suaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


93 


the “ Holloway Comedians.” He says he is to play Boh 
Britches in the farce, Gone to my Uncle's ; Frank Mut- 
lar is going to play Old Musty. I told Lupin pretty 
plainly I was not in the least degree interested in the 
matter, and totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. 
Gowing came in the evening. 

November 11. — Returned home to find the house in 
a most disgraceful uproar. Carrie, who appeared very 
frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while 
Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the char- 
woman), who had evidently been drinking, was shout - 
ing at the top of her voice that “ she was no thief, that 
she was a respectable woman, who had to work hard 
for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who 
put lies in to her mouth.” Lupin, whose back was 
towards me, did not hear me come in. He was stand- 
ing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his 
endeavor to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather 
strong language in the presence of his mother ; and I 
was just in time to hear him say : “ And all this fuss 

about the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that 
wouldn’t fetch three-halfpence a pound ! ” I said, 
quietly: “Pardon me. Lupin, that is a matter of 


94 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


opinion; and as I am master of this house, perhaps 
you will allow me to take the reins.” 

I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that 
Sarah had accused Mrs. Bir- 
red of tearing the pages out 
of my diary to wrap up some 
kitchen fat and leavings which 
she had taken out of the house 
last week. Mrs. Birr ell had 
slapped Sarah’s face, and said 
she had taken nothing out of 
the place, as there was “never 
no leavings to take.” I ordered 
Sarah back to her work, and 
requested Mrs. Birrell to go 
home. When I entered the 
parlor Lupin was kicking his 
legs in the air, and roaring 
with laughter. 



Daisy Mutlar, 


November 12, Sunday. — 

Coming home from church ^ 

Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy 
M u 1 1 a r, a n d h e r h ro t h e r. 

Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked home 



THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 95 

together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We 
asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look 
at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. 
She is a big young woman, and I should think at least 
eight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her 
good-looking. Carrie asked her if she could come in 
on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few 
friends. She replied that she would only be too 
pleased. 

November 13. — Carrie sent out invitations to Cowing, 
the Cummings, Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and 
to Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr. Franching, 
of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a nice 
affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp ? I 
said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. 
Carrie said there was “ no offence in asking him.” I 
said : “ Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. ’ Carrie 
confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mut- 
lar’s appearance, but thought she seemed a nice girl. 

November 14. — Everybody so far has accepted for 
our quite grand little party for to-morrow. Mr. Perk- 
upp, in a nice letter, which I shall keep, wrote that 
he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, 


96 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie 
was busy all day, making little cakes and open jam 
puffs and jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about 
her responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to 
have some light things on the table, such as sand- 
wiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on 
the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu 
tongue for the more hungry ones to peg into if they 
liked. 

Cowing called to know if he was to put on “ swallow- 
tails ” to-morrow, Carrie said he had better dress, 
especially as Mr. Franching was coming, and there 
was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an 
appearance. 

Cowing said : “ Oh, I only wanted to know ; for I 
have not worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must 
send it to have the creases pressed out.” 

After Cowing left. Lupin came in, and in his anxiety 
to please Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the 
arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved of everything, 
including our having asked our old friend Cummings, 
who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green- 
grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised 
if Daisy took him for one. 

I fairly lost my temper, and I said : “ Lupin, allow me 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


97 


to tell you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of Eng- 
land. I gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow 
yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a 
woman considerably older than yourself. I advise you 
to think of earning your living before entangling your- 
self with a wife whom you will have to support, and, 
in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to be 
nothing but a loafer.” Instead of receiving this advice 
in a sensible manner. Lupin jumped up and said : “ If 
you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I 
will leave the house and never darken your doors again.” 
He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door- 
But it was all right. He came back to supper, and we 
played Bezique till nearly twelve o’clock. 


98 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER IX. 

Our first important Party. Old Friends and Few 
Friends. Gowing is a little annoying ; hut his 
friend., Mr. Stillhrooh., turns out to he quite amusing. 
Inopportune arrival of Mr. PerJcupp., hut he is 
most hind and complimentary. Party a great 
success. 

XovEMBER 15. — A red-letter day. Our first impor- 
tant party since we have been in this house. I got 
home early from the City. Lupin insisted on having a 
hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I 
think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he 
had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds 
out of a private deal in the City. I hope he won’t 
gamble in his new situation. The supper- room looked 
so nice, and Carrie truly said : “We need not be 
ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he 
honor us by coming.” 

I dressed early in case people should arrive punc- 


THE BIABT OF A NOBODY. 99 

tually at eight o’clock, and was much vexed to find 
my new dress trousers much too short. Lupin, who 
is getting beyond his position, found fault with my 
wearing ordinary boots instead of dress boots. 

I replied, satirically : “ My dear son, I have lived to 
be above that sort of thing.” 

Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man 
generally was above his boots.” 

This may be funny, or it may not ; but I was grat- 
ified to find he had not discovered the coral had come 
off one of my studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing 
the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The arrange- 
ment of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had 
hung muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also 
over one of the entrances, for we had removed the 
door from its hinges. 

Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I 
gave him strict orders not to open another bottle of 
champagne until the previous one was empty. Carrie 
arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed 
on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. 
By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs 
look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has 
arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners 
of them. 


100 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


The first arrival was Growing, who with his usual 
taste, greeted me with : “ Hulloh, Footer, why your 
trousers are too short ! ” 

I simply said “ Very likely, and you will find my 
temper ‘ short ’ also.” 

He said : “ That won’t make your trousers longer. 
Juggins. You should get your missus to put a fiounce 
on them.” 

I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting 
observations in my diary. 

The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. 
The former said : “ As you didn’t say anything about 
dress, I have come ‘ half dressed.’ ” He had on a black 
frock-coat and white tie. The James, Mr. Merton, 
and Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and 
unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived. 

Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appear- 
ance. She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very 
low in the neck. I do not think such a style modest. 
She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and 
covered her shoulders with a little lace. * Mr. Nackles, 
Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his four daughters came ; so did 
Franching, and one or two of Lupin’s new friends, 
members of the “ Holloway Comedians.” Some of 
these seemed rather theatrical in their manner, es- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


101 


pecially one, who was posing all the evening, and 
leant on onr little round table and cracked it. Lupin 
called him “ our Henry,” and said he was “ our lead at 
the H. C.’s,” and was quite as good in that department 
as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. 
All this is Greek to me. 

We had some music, and Lupin, who never left 
Daisy’s side for a moment, raved over her singing of 
a song, called “ Some Day.” It seemed a pretty song, 
but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so 
out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again ; 
but Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one 
after the other. 

At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from • 
the way Gowing and Cummings ate you would have 
thought they had not had a meal for a month. I told 
Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp 
should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed me 
very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, 
and drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, 
and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would 
not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin 
got hold of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy 
and Frank Mutlar. 

We went upstairs, and the young fellows began 


102 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


skylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once. Stilh 
brook amused us with a song, “ What have you done 
with your Cousin John ? ” I did not notice that Lupin 
and Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, 
one of the Holloways, where they were, and he said : 
“ It’s a case of ‘ Oh, what a surprise ! ’ ” 

We were directed to form a circle — which we did. 
Watson then said : “ I have much pleasure in introduc- 
ing the celebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank and 
Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had whit- 
ened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round 
his waist a large hearthrug. He was supposed to be 
the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very 
noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with 
laughter. 

I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perk- 
upp standing half-way in the door, he having arrived 
without our knowing it. I beckoned to Carrie, and we 
went up to him at once. He would not come right 
into the room. I apologized for the foolery, hut Mr. 
Perkupp said : “ Oh, it seems amusing.” I could see 
he was not a bit amused. 

Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was 
a wreck. There was not a glass of champagne left — 
not even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he required 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


103 


nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. 
The last syphon was empty. Carrie said : “We have 
plenty of port wine left.” Mr. Perkupp said, with a 
smile : “No, thank you. I really require nothing, but 
I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your 
own home. Good-night, Mrs. Footer — you will excuse 
my very short stay, I know.” I went with him to his 
carriage, and he said : “ Don’t trouble to come to the 
office till twelve to-morrow.” 

I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I 
told Carrie I thought the party was a failure. Carrie 
said it was a great success, and I was only tired, and 
insisted on my having some port myself. I drank two 
glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the 
drawing-room, where they had commenced dancing. 
Carrie and I had a little dance, which I said reminded 
me of old days. She said I was a spooney old thing. 


104 


THE HIAEY OF A NOBOJJY, 


CHAPTER X. 

Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed 
at the constant servmg-up of the Rlayic- Many eJ 
Lupin expresses his opinion of Weddings. Lupin 
falls out with Daisy Mutlar. 

November 16. — Woke about twenty times during the 
night, with terrible thirst. Finished off all the water 
in the bottle, as well as half that in the jug. Kept 
dreaming, also, that^last night’s party was a failure, 
and that a lot of low people came without invitation, 
and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, 
till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room 
(which we had just discovered ), with a bath-towel 
over him. It seems absurd now, but it was painfully 
real in the dream. I had the same dream about a dozen 
times. 

Carrie annoyed me by saying : “ You know cham- 
pagne never agrees with you.” I told her T had only 
a couple of glasses of it, having kept myself entirely to 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


105 


port. I added that good champagne hurt nobody, and 
Lupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as a 
favor, as that particular brand had been entirely 
bought up by a West-End club. 

I think I ate too heartily of the “ side dishes,” as the 
waiter called them. I said to Carrie : “ I wish I had 
put those ‘ side dishes ’ aside^ I repeated this, but 
Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had bor- 
rowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party. It was just 
half-past eleven, and I was starting for the office, when 
Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and said : 
“ Hulloh, Guv., what priced head have you this morn- 
ing ? ” I told him he might just as well speak to me 
in Dutch. He added : “ When I woke this morning, 
my head was as big as Baldwin’s balloon.” On the 
spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I 
have ever said ; viz.: “ Perhaps that accounts for the 
parasAoo^^/^^ pains.” We all three roared. 

November 17. — Still feel tired and headachy! In 
the evening Gowing called, and was full of praise about 
our party last Wednesday. He said everything was 
done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. 
Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but 
you never know how long it will last. For instance, 


106 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


he stopped to supper, and seeing some hlanc-mange on 
the table, shouted out, while the servant was in the 
room : “ Hulloh ! The remains of Wednesday ? ” 

November 18. — Woke up quite fresh after a good 
night’s rest, and feel quite myself again. I am satisfied 
a life of going-out and Society is not a life for me ; we 
therefore declined the invitation which we received 
this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We only met her 
twice at Mrs. James’, and it means a present. Lupin 
said : “ I am with you for once. To my mind a wed- 
ding ’s a very poor play. There are only two parts in it 
— the bride and bridegroom. The best man is only a 
walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying 
father and a snivelling mother, the rest are supers who 
have to dress well and have tojoa^ for their insignificant 
parts in the shape of costly presents.” 

I did not care for the theatrical slang, but thought it 
clever, though disrespectful. I told Sarah not to bring 
up the hlanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have 
been placed on our table at every meal since Wednes- 
day. Cummings came round in the evenmg, and con- 
gratulated us on the success of our party. He said it 
was the best party he had been to for many a year ; but 
he v/ished we had let him know it was full dress, as he 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


107 


would have turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat 
down to a quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted 
by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank Mutlar. 
Cummings and I asked them to join us. Lupin said he 
did not care for dominoes, and suggested a game of 
“ Spoof.” On my asking if it required counters, Frank 
and Lupin m measured time said : “ One, two, three ; 
go ! Have you an estate in Greenland ? ” 

It was simply Greek to me, hut it appears it is one of 
the customs of the “ Holloway Comedians ” to do this 
when a member displays ignorance. In spite of my in- 
structions, that Uanc-mange was brought up again for 
supper. To make matters worse, there had been an at- 
tempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with 
jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have 
some, and he replied : “ No second-hand goods for me, 
thank you.” I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that 
hlanc-TYiange were placed on the table again, I should 
walk out of the house. 


November 19.— Stju-day.— A delightfully quiet day. 
In the afternoon Lupin was off to spend the rest of the 
day with the Mutlars. He departed in the best of spirits, 
and Carrie said: “Well, one advantage of Lupin’s en- 
gagement with Daisy is that the boy seems happy all 


108 the diary of a nobody. 

clay long. That quite reconciles me to what I must con- 
fess seems an imprudent engagement.” 

Carrie and I talked the matter over during the even- 
ing, and agreed that it did not always follow that an 
early engagement meant an unhappy marriage. Dear 
Carrie reminded me that we married early, and, with 
the exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had 
never had a really serious word. I could not help think- 
ing (as I told her) that half the pleasures of life were 
derived from the little struggles and small privations 
that one had to endure at the heginnmg of one’s married 
life. 

Such struggles were generally occasioned by want of 
means, and often helped to make loving couples stand 
together all the firmer. 

Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, 
and that I was quite a philosopher. 

We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt 
flattered by Carrie’s little compliment. I don’t pretend 
to be able to express myself in fine language, but I feel 
I have the power of expressing my thoughts with sim- 
plicity and lucidness. 

About nine o’clock, to our surprise. Lupin entered, 
with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which 
I must say seemed rather theatrical, said : “ Have you 


THE HIAHY OF A NOBODY. 


109 


any brandy ? T said : “ No ; but here is some whisky.” 
Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful without water, 
to my horror. 

We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when 
Carrie and I rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin : “ I 
hope Daisy is well ? ” 

Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have 
picked up from the “ Holloway Comedians,” replied : 
“Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I don’t know 
whether she is well or not, but please never to mention 
her 7iame again in my presence^ 


no 


TRE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER XI. 

We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the 
acquaintance of a Mr. Padge. Dor^t care for 
hivn. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance. 

[November 20. — Have seen nothing of Lupin the 
whole day. Bought a cheap address-book. I spent 
the evening copying in the names and addresses of my 
friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars, of 
course. 

November 21. — Lupin turned up for a few minutes 
in the evening. He asked for a drop of brandy with 
a sort of careless look, which to my mind was theatri- 
cal and quite ineffective. I said: “My hoy, I have 
none, and I don’t think I should give it you if I had.” 
Lupin said: “I’ll go where I can get some,” and 
walked out of the house. Carrie took the hoy’s^part, 
and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable 


TITE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


Ill 


discussion, in which the words “ Daisy ” and “ Mutlar ” 
must have occurred a thousand times. 

November 22. — Gowing and Cummings dropped in 
during the evening. Lupin also came in, bringing his 
friend Mr. Burwin-Fosselton — one of the “Holloway 
Comedians ” — ^who was at our party the other night, 
and who cracked our little round table. Happy to say 
Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversa- 
tion was almost entirely monopolized by the young 
fellow Fosselton, who not only looked rather like Mr. 
Irving, but seemed to imagine that he was the 
celebrated actor. I must say he gave some capital 
imitations of him. As he showed no signs of moving 
at supper time, I said : “ If you like to stay, Mr. Fos- 
selton, for our usual crust — pray do.” He replied : “ Oh ! 
thanks ; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton. It is a 
double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, but please 
call me Burwin-Fosselton.” 

He began doing the Irving business all though sup- 
per. He sank so low down in his chair that his chin 
was almost on a level with the table, and twice he 
kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and 
flashed a knife uncomfortably near Gowing’c face. 
After supper he kept stretching out his legs on the 



Mr. Burivin-Fosselton at supper. 

4 





THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


113 


fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays 
which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked 
over the fire-irons, making a hideous row — poor Carrie 
already having a bad headache. 

When he went, he said, to our surprise : “ I will 
come to-morrow and bring my Irving make-up.” 
Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see 
it and would come too. I could not help thinking 
they might as well give a party at my house while 
they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly said : 
“ Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy 
Mutlar business.” 

November 23. — In the evening, Cummings came 
early. Gowing came a little later and brought, with- 
out asking permission, a fat and, I think, very vulgar- 
looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all 
moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to 
either of us, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving 
business, to which Padge said: “That’s right,” and 
that is about all he did say during the entire evening. 
Lupin came in and seemed in much better spirits. He 
had prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr. Burwin-Fossel- 
ton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to 
get j*eady. In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the 


114 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 



Mr. Padge, 




THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


115 


parlor, and returning in a few minutes, announced 
“ Mr. Henry Irving„” 

I must say we were all astounded. I never saw 
such a resemblance. It was astonishing. The only 
person who did not appear interested was the man 
Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puff- 
ing away at a foul pipe into the fireplace. After some 
little time I said : “ Why do actors always wear their 
hair so long ? ” Carrie in a moment said, “ Mr. Hare 
doesn’t wear long hairr How we laughed, except Mr. 
Fosselton, who said, in a rather patronizing kind of 
way, “ The joke, Mrs. Footer, is extremely appropriate, 
if not altogether new.” Thinking this rather a snub, 

I said : “ Mr. Fosselton, I fancy ” He interrupted 

me by saying : “ Mr. ^i^rtom-Fosselton, if you please,” 
which made me quite forget what I was going to say 
to him. During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton 
again monopolized the conversation with his Irving 
talk, and both Carrie and I came to the conclusion one 
can have even too much imitation of Irving. After 
supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boister- 
ous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing 
Cowing by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, 
accidentally of course, into Gowing’s neck and took a 
piece of flesh out. Cowing was rightly annoyed, hut 


116 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


that man Padge, who having declined our modest sup- 
per in order that he should not lose his comfortable 
.chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at 
the little misadventure. I was so annoyed at the con- 
duct of Padge, I said: “I suppose you would have 
laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out ? ” to 
which Padge replied : “ That’s right,” and laughed 
more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest surprise 
was, when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton 
said: “Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I’m glad you like the 
imitation. I’ll bring the other make-up to-morrow nightP 

November 24. — I went to town without a pocket- 
handkerchief. This is the second time I have done this 
during the last week. I must be losing my memory. 
Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I 
would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told 
him I should be out this evening, but I fancy he is the 
sort of young man who Avould come all the same. 

Dear old Cummings came in the evening but Gow- 
ing sent round a little note, saying he hoped I would 
excuse his not turning up, which rather amused me. 
He added that his neck was still painful. Of course, 
Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, 
and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


117 


actually came again, and not even accompanied by 
Gowing. I was exasperated, and said : “ Mr. Padge, 
this is a surprise.^' Dear Carrie fearing unpleasant- 
ness said, “ Oh ! I suppose Mr. Padge has only come 
to see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padge said, 
“ That’s right,” and took the best chair again, from 
which he never moved the whole evening. 

My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is 
not an expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing 
about the matter. The Irving imitations and conver- 
sations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick of 
it. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which 
was commenced by Cummings saying that it appeared 
to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not only like 
Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as 
good or even better. I ventured to remark that after 
all it was but an imitation of an original. 

Cummings said surely some imitations were better 
than the originals*. I made what I considered a clever 
remark : “ Without an original there can be no imita- 
tion.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite impertinently : 
“ Don’t discuss me in my presence, if you please ; and, 
Mr. Footer, I should advise you to talk about what 
you understand ; ” to which that cad Padge replied. 
“ That’s right.” Dear Carrie saved the whole thing 



Lupin announces “ Mr. Irving. 






THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


119 


by suddenly saying : “ I’ll be Ellen Terry.” Dear 
Carrie’s imitation wasn’t a bit liked, but she was so 
spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable discus- 
sion passed off. When they left, I very pointedly said 
to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should 
be engaged to-morrow evening. 

November 25. — Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton 
respecting last night’s Irving discussion. I was very 
angry, and I wrote and said I knew little or nothing 
about stage matters, was not in the least interested in 
them and positively declined to be drawn into a dis- 
cussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading 
to a breach of friendship. I never wrote a more deter- 
mined letter. 

On returning home at the usual early hour on Satur- 
day afternoon I met near the Archway Daisy Mutlar. 
My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she 
affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in 
the evening by the laundress sending home an odd 
sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs and the laundress 
declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke to 
Carrie about it, but she rather testily replied : “ I am 

tired of speaking to her ; you had better go and speak 
to her yourself. She is outside. ’ I did so, but the 


120 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent. 

Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was 
rude enough to listen to the conversation, and inter- 
rupting, said, “ Don’t waste the odd sock, old man ; do 
an act of charity and give it to some poor man with 
only one leg.” The laundress giggled like an idiot. I 
was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of 
pinning down my collar, as the button had come off 
the back of my shirt. 

When T returned to the parlor, Gowing was retail- 
ing his idiotic joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was 
roaring with laughter. I suppose I am losing my 
sense of humor. I spoke my mind pretty freely 
about Padge. Gowing said he had met him only once 
before that evening. He had been introduced by a 
friend, and as he (Padge) had “ stood ” a good dinner, 
Gowing wished to show him some little return. Upon 
my word, Gowing’s coolness surpasses all belief. Lu- 
pin came in before I could reply, and Gowing unfor- 
tunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted : 
“ Mind your own business, sir ! ” and bounced out of 
the room, slamming the door. The remainder of the 
night was Daisy Mutlar— Daisy Mutlar— Daisy JVIub- 
lar. Oh dear ! 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


121 


November 26. — Sunday. — The curate preached a very 
good sermon to-day — very good indeed. His appear- 
ance is never so impressive as our dear old vicar’s, but 
I am bound to say his sermons are much more im- 
pressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of 
which I must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is 
quite a grand lady, living in one of those large houses 
in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after 
church, when we were all coming out. I must say I 
felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal of. I 
suppose she knew me through seeing me so often take 
round the plate, especially as she always occupies the 
corner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, 
and may have had something of the utmost import- 
ance to say, hut, unfortunately, as she commenced to 
speak a strong gust of wind came and blew my hat off 
into the middle of the road. 

I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty 
in recovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, 
I found Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on with some swell 
friends, and I felt T could not well approach her 
now, especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I 
cannot say how disappointed T felt. 

In the evening ( Sunday evening of all others) I 


122 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


found an impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fossel- 
ton, which ran as follows : 


“ Dear Mr. Footer, — Although your junior by perhaps some 
twenty or thirty years — which is sufficient reason that you ought 
to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of 
a planet — I feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the 
wheels of your life don’t travel so quickly round as those of the 
humble writer of these lines. The dandy horse of past days has 
been known to overtake the slow coach. 

“ Do I make myself understood ? 

“ Yery well, then ! Permit me, Mr. Footer, to advise you to 
accept the rerh. sap. Acknowledge your defeat, and take your 
whipping gracefully ; for remember you threw down the glove, and 
I cannot claim to be either mentally or physically a coward ! 

“ Revenons a nos moutons. 

“ Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY AFT — 
THE STAGE. Y our life is devoted to commercial pursuits — ‘ A 
Life among Ledgers.’ My books are of different metal. Your 
life in the City is honorable, I admit. But hov) different ! Can- 
not even you see the ocean between us ? A channel that prevents 
the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah ! But 
chacun a son gout. 

“I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may 
crawl, I may slip, ! may even falter (we all are weak), hut reach 
the top rimg of the ladder I will ! ! ! When there, my voice shall 
he heard, for I will shout to the multitudes below : ‘ Vici ! ’ 
For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, 
forsooth, save to a party of friends, with here and there an enemy. 

“But, Mr. Footer, let me ask you, ‘What is the difference be. 
tween the amateur and the professional ? ’ 

“None ! I ' 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


123 


“ Stay ! Yes, there is a difference. One is paid for doing what 
the other does as skilfully for nothing ! 

“ But I will be paid^ too ! For J, contrary to the wishes of my 
family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as my 
profession. And when the /arce craze is over — and^ mark you, 
that will be soon — I will make my power known ; for I feel — 
pardon my apparent conceit — that there is no living man who can 
play the hump-backed Richard as I feel and ktiow I can. 

“And you will be the first to come round and bend your head 
in submission. There are many matters you may understand, but 
knowledge of the fine art of acting is to yousm unknown quantity. 

“ Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. Vale ! 

“ Yours truly, 

“ Burwin-Fosselton. ” 

I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed 
him this impertinent letter, and said : “ My hoy, in 

that letter you can see the true character of your 
friend.” 

Lupin, to my surprise, said : “ Oh, yes. He showed 
me the letter before he sent it. I think he is right, 
and you ought to apologize.” 


124 


THE HI A BY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER XII. 

A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my 
diary. Lupines opinion of Xmas. Lupines unfor- 
tunate engagement is on agaim 

December 17. — As I open my scribbling diary I find 
the words “Oxford Michaelmas Term ends.” Why 
this should induce me to indulge in retrospective I 
don’t know, but it does. The last few weeks of my 
diary are of minimum interest. The breaking off of 
the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Multar has 
made him a different being, and Carrie a rather de- 
pressing companion. She was a little dull last Satur- 
day, and I thought to cheer her up by reading some 
extracts from my diary ; but she walked out of the 
room in the middle of the reading, without a word. 
On her return, I said : “ Did my diary bore you, dar- 
ling? ” She replied, to my surprise : “ I really wasn’t 
listening, dear.” 

I was obliged to leave to give instructions to the 


THE DIATtY OF A NOBODY. 


125 


laundress. In consequence of some stuff she puts in 
the water, two more of Lupin’s colored shirts have 
run ; and he says he won’t wear them.” I said : 

“ Everything is Lupin. It’s all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. 
There was not a single button on my shirt yesterday, 
but I made no complaint.” Carrie simply replied : 

“ You should do as all other men do, and wear studs. 
In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on 
the shirt-fronts.” I said : “ I certainly wore none yes- 
terday, for there were none on.” Another thought 
that strikes me is that Cowing seldom calls in the 
evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don’t 
get on well with Lupin. 

, December 18. — ^Yesterday I was in a retrospective 
vein — to-day it is prospective. I see nothing but clouds, 
clouds, clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the 
Daisy Mutlar business. He won’t say what is the cause 
of the breach. He is evidently condemning her con- * 
duct, and yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he 
won’t hear a word against her. So what is one to do ? 
Another thing which is disappointing to me is, that 
Carrie and Lupin take no interest whatever m my 
diary. 

I broached the subject at the breakfast- table to-day. 


126 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


I said : “ I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened 
to me, the diary would be an endless source of pleas- 
ure to you both ; to say nothing of the chance of the 
remuneration which may accrue from its being pub- 
lished.” 

Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie 
was sorry for this, I could see, for she said : “ I did not 
mean to be rude, dear Charlie ; but truly I do not think 
your diary would sufficiently interest the public to be 
taken up by a publisher.” 

I replied : “ I am sure it would prove quite as inter- 
esting as some of the ridiculous reminiscences that 
have been published lately. Besides, it’s the diary 
that makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys 
have been if it had not been for their diaries ? ” 

Carrie said I was quite a philosopher ; but Lupin, in 
a jeering tone, said : “ If it had been written on larger 
paper. Guv. , we might get a fair price from a butter- 
man for it.” As I am in the prospective vein, I vow 
the end of this year will see the end of my diary. 

December 19. — The annual invitation came to spend 
Christmas with Carrie’s mother — the usual family fes- 
tive gathering to which we always look forward. Lu- 
pin declmed to go. I was astounded, and expressed 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


127 


my surprise and disgust. Lupin then obliged us with 
the following Radical speech : “ I hate a family gath- 
ering at Christmas. What does it mean ? Why some- 
one says : ‘Ah ! we miss poor Uncle James, who was 
here last year,’ and we all begin to snivel. Someone 
else says : ‘ It’s two years since poor Aunt Liz used to 
sit in that corner.’ Then we all begin to snivel again. 
Then another gloomy relation says : ‘ Ah ! I wonder 
whose turn it will be next ? ’ Then we all snivel again, 
and proceed to eat and drink too much ; and they don’t 
discover until I get up that we have been seated 
thirteen at dinner.” 

December 20. — Went to Smirksons’, the drapers, in 
the Strand, who this year have turned out everything 
in the shop and devoted the whole place to the sale of 
Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who 
seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after 
a hurried glance at them, throw them down again. I 
remarked to one of the young persons serving, that 
carelessness appeared to be a disease with some pur- 
chasers. The observation was scarcely out of my 
mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a 
large pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the 
other, and threw them down. The manager came for- 


128 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


ward, looking very much annoyed, and picking up sev- 
eral cards from the ground, said to one of the assistants, 
with a palpable side-glance at me : “ Put these amongst 
the sixpenny goods ; they can’t be sold for a shilling 
now.” The result was, I felt it my duty to buy some 
of those damaged cards. 

I had to buy more and pay more than I intended. 
Unfortunately I did not examine them all, and when I 
got home I discovered a vulgar card with a picture of 
a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other 
white, and the words : “We wish Pa a Merry Christ- 
mas.” I tore up the card and threw it away. Carrie 
said the great disadvantage of going out in Society 
and increasing the number of our friends was, that we 
should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this 
year. 

December 21. — To save the postmen a miserable 
Christmas, we follow the example of all unselfish 
people, and send out our cards early. Most of the cards 
had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I 
shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, 
ever since he has had the appointment with a stock 
and share broker, does not seem overscrupulous in his 
dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 129 

on the backs of the cards. I asked him why. Lupin 
said : “ Suppose your card is marked 9d. Well, all 
you have to do is to pencil a 3 — and a long down 
stroke after it — in fro7it of the ninepence, and people 
will think you have given five times the price for it.” 

In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I 
reminded him that behind the clouds the sun Avas 
shining. He said : “ Ugh ! it never shines on me.” I 
said : “ Stop, Lupin, my boy ; you are worried about 
Daisy Mutlar. Don’t think of her any more. You 
ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very 
bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our 
simple tastes. He jumped up and said : “ I Avon’t allow 
one word to be uttered against her. She’s worth the 
whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated, 
sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” I left the room 
with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat. 

December 23. — I exchanged no words with Lupin 
in the morning ; but as he seemed to be in exrlberant 
spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him where he 
intended to spend his Christmas. He replied : “ Oh, 
most likely at the Mutlars’.” In Avonderment, I said: 
“ What ! after your engagement has been broken off ? ” 
Lupin said : “ Who said it is off ? ” I said ; “You have 


130 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


given us both to understand ” He interrupted me 

by saying : “ Well, never mind what I said. It is on 
again — there! ” 


TllJS BIAEY OF A NOBODY. 


lai 


CHAPTER XIII. 

I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a 
pleasant Christmas at Carriers mother's. A Air. 
AIoss is rather too free. A boisterous evening.^ 
during which 1 am struck in the dark. I receive 
an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar., senior.^ 
respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old 
Year. 

December 24. — I am a poor man, but I would 
gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the 
insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I 
never insult people ; w^hy should they insult me ? The 
worst part of the transaction is, that I find myself 
suspecting all my friends. The handwriting on the 
envelope is evidently disguised, being written sloping 
the wrong way. I cannot think either Cowing or 
Cummings would do such a mean thing. Lupin denied 
all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I 
disapprove of his laughing and sympathizing with the 


132 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


olfender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act ; 
and I don’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to 
such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk 
at the office, did it ? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, 
or Burwin-Fosselton ? The writing is too good for the 
former. 

Christmas Day. — We caught the 10.20 train at Pad- 
dington, and spent a pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s. 
The country was quite nice and pleasant, although the 
roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the 
day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If 
everybody had a nice, i/mnterfering mother-in-law, 
such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would 
be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I proposed 
her health ; and I made, I think, a very good speech. 

I concluded, rather neatly, by saying : “ On an oc- 
casion like this — whether relatives, friends, or acquaint- 
ances, — we are all inspired with good feelings towards 
each other. We are of one mind, and think only of 
love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with 
absent friends should kiss and make it up. Those who 
happily have not fallen out, can kiss all the same.” 

I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her 
mother, and must say I felt very flattered by the com- 


THE niABY OF A NOBODY 


133 


pliment. That dear old Reverend John Panzy Smith, 
who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing 
speech, and said he should act on my suggestion re- 
specting the kissing. He then walked round the table 
and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of course 
one did not object to this ; but I was more than stag- 
gered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a 
stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken a word 
through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of 
mistletoe, and exclaimed : “ Hulloh ! I don’t see why I 
shouldn’t be on in this scene.” Before one could realize 
what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the rest 
of the ladies. 

Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke and 
we all laughed ; but it was a dangerous experiment, 
and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the result. 
I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but 
she said: “Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.” I 
said that he had a very large mustache for a boy. 
Carrie replied : “ I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.” 

December 26. — I did not sleep very well last night ; 
I never do in a strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, 
which one must expect at this time of the year. Carrie 
and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin came 


134 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


in late. He said he enjoyed his Christinas, and added : 
“ I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only 
require a little more ‘oof’ to feel as fit as a £500 
Stradivarius.” I have long since given up trying to 
understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it. 

December 27. — I told Lupin I was expecting Cowing 
and Cummings to drop in to-morrow evening for a 
quiet game. I was in hope the hoy would volunteer 
to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of 
which, he said : “ Oh, you had better put them off, 
as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come.” I 
said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin 
said : “ Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy.” 
I suggested that a post-card or letter would reach 
her quite soon enough, and would not be so extrav- 
agant. 

Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation 
with apparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft 
at Lupin. She said : “ Lupin, why do you object to 
Daisy meeting your father’s friends? Is it because 
they are not good enough for her, or (which is equally 
possible) she is not good enough for them ? ” Lupin 
was dumfounded, and could make no reply. When he 
left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 135 

December 28. — Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, 
said to his mother: “I have not put off Daisy and 
Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cum- 
mings this evening.” I felt very pleased with the boy 
for this. Carrie said, in reply : “ I am glad you let 
me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of 
mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one will 
know it has been cut.” She further said she would 
make a few custards, and stew some pippins, so that 
they would be cold by the evening. 

Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly 
if he really had any personal objection to either Gow- 
ing or Cummings. He replied : “ Not in the least. 
I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is 
partly due to his patronizing ‘ the three-and-six-one- 
price hat company,’ and wearing a reach-me-down 
frock-coat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen 
jacket of Gowing’s — why, he resembles an itinerant 
photographer.” 

I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman ; 
whereupon Lupin, with a laugh, replied : “No, and it 
wasn’t much of a gentleman who made their coats.” 

We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made 
herself very agreeable, especially in the earlier part of 
the evening, when she sang. At supper, however, she 


136 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


said : “ Can you make tee-to-tums with bread ? ” and 
she commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twist- 
ing them round on the table. I felt this to be bad 
manners, but of course said nothing. Presently Daisy 
and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills 
at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cum- 
mings and Cowing, to my astonishment. They then 
commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece 
catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. 
I said : “ Steady, please ; steady ! ” Frank jumped 
up, and said : “ Turn, turn ; then the band played.” 

I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, 
and continued the bread-battle. Cowing suddenly 
seized all the parsley off the cold mutton, and threw 
it full in my face. I looked daggers at Cowing, who 
replied : “ I say, it’s no good trying to look indignant, 
with your hair full of parsley.” I rose from the table, 
and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery 
at once. Frank Mutlar shouted: “Time, gentlemen, 
please ! time ! ” and turned out the gas, leaving us in 
absolute darkness. 

I was feeling my way out of the room, when T sud- 
denly received a hard intentional punch at the back of 
my head. I said, loudly: “Who did that?” There 
was no answer ; so I repeated the question, with the 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 137 . 

same result. I struck a match, and lighted the gas. 
They were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own 
counsel ; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie : 

“ The person who sent me that insulting post-card at 
Christmas was here to-night.” 

Decembee29. — I had a most vivid dream last night. 

I woke up, and on falling asleep, dreamed the same 
dream over again precisely. I dreamt I heard Frank 
Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent mo 
the insulting Christmas card, hut admitted that he 
was the one who punched my head last night in the 
dark. As fate would have it. Lupin, at breakfast, 
was reading extracts from a letter he had just received 
from Frank. 

I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might com- 
pare the writing. He did so, and I examined it by the 
side of the envelope containing the Christmas card. 

I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the 
attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who 
began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing 
at, and she said the card was never directed to me at 
all. It was “ L. Footer,” not “ C. Footer.” Lupin 
asked to look at the direction and the card, and ex- 
claimed, with a laugh : “ Oh yes, Guv., it’s meant for 


138 


THE 1)1 ABY OF A NOBODY. 


me.” I said : “ Are you in the habit of receiving in- 
sulting Christmas cards ? ” He replied : “ Oh yes, and 
of sending them, too.” 

In the evening Cowing called and said he enjoyed 
himself very much last night. I took the opportunity 
to confide in him, as an old friend, about the vicious 
punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said : 
“ Oh, it was your head., was it ? I know I accidentally 
hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall.” 
I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of the ex- 
pression. 

December 30, Sunday. — Lupin spent the whole day 
with the Mutlars. He seemed rather cheerful in the 
evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see you so happy. 
Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisy is a splendid 
girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a father 
down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, 
his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in 
turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a 
second, writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, 
sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the 
new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fire- 
place, and his general ‘ outside-halfpenny-' bus-ness,’ I 
was compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.” I 


THE HI ARY OF A NOBODY. 


139 


said : “ Lupin, you are not much more than a boy ; I 
hope you won’t repent it.” 

December 31. — The last day of the Old Year. I 
received an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, 
senior. He writes : “ Dear Sir, — For a long time past, 
I have had considerable difficulty deciding the import- 
ant question, ‘ Who is the master of my own house ? ’ 
Myself, or your son Lupin? Believe me, I have no 
prejudice one way or the other ; but I have been most 
reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect 
that I am the master of it. Under the circumstances, 
it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter my 
house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of 
the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, 
and gentlemanly persons I have ever had the honor 
of being acquainted with.” 

I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, 
so I said nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the 
letter. 

A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go 
out in it, but promised to be back to drink out the Old 
Year — a custom we have always observed. At a 
quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog 
was fearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the 


140 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


spirits. Carrie and I deciding on whisky, I opened a 
fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. 
As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing to 
discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not 
come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to 
have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. 
I said I could decide it by the taste in a moment. A 
silly and unnecessary argument followed, the result of 
which was we suddenly saw it was a quarter-past 
twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we 
missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home 
at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog — so 
he said. 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 


141 


CHAPTER XIY. 

Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the 
office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormous 
rise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully 
and starts a pony -trap. Have to speak to Sarah. 
Extraordinary conduct of Gowing's. 


January 1. — I had intended concluding my diary 
last week ; but a most important event has happened, 
so I shall continue for a little while longer on the fly- 
leaves attached to the end of my last year’s diary. It 
had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point 
of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received 
a message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. 
I must confess that my heart commenced to heat and 
I had most serious misgivings. 

Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said : 
“ Take a seat, Mr. Pooter, I shall not be a moment.” 

I replied : “ No, thank you, sir ; I’ll stand.” 

I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was 


142 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


waiting quite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. 
Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself. 

I said : “ I hope there is nothing wrong, sir ? ” 

He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I 
hope.” What a weight off my mind! My breath 
seemed to come back again in an instant. 

Mr. Perkupp said : “ Mr. Buckling is going to retire, 

and there will be some slight changes in the office. 
You have been with us nearly twenty-one years, and, 
in consequence of your conduct during that period, we 
intend making a special promotion in your favor. 
We have'* not quite decided how you will be placed ; 
but in any case there will be a considerable increase in 
your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for me to 
say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at 
two ; but you shall hear more to-morrow.” 

He then left the room quickly, and I was not even 
allowed time or thought to express a single word of 
grateful thanks to him. I need not say how dear 
Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect sim- 
plicity she said : “ At last we shall be able to have 

a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room, which we 
always wanted.” I added : “ Yes, and at last you shall 
have that little costume which you saw at Peter 
Robinson’s so cheap.” 


THE DIAEY OF A NOBODY, 143 

January 2. — I was in a great state of suspense 
all day at the office. I did not like to worry Mr. 
Perkupp ; but as he did not send for me, and mentioned 
yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought 
it better, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door 
and on entering, Mr. Perkupp said : “ Oh ! it’s you, 

Mr. Pooter; do you want to see me?” I said: “No, 
sir, I thought you wanted to see me ! ” “ OL ! ” he 

replied, “I remember. Well, T am very busy to-day; 
I will see you to-morrow.” 

January 3. — Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, 
which was not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. 
Perkupp sent word he should not be at the office at 
all to-day. In the evening. Lupin, who was busily en- 
gaged with a paper, said suddenly to me : “ Do you 
know anything about chalk pits^ Guv. ? ” I said : 
“ No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.” Lupin said : 
“Well, I give you the tip; chalk pits are as safe as 
Consols, and pay six per cent, at par.” I said a rather 
neat thing, viz. : “ They may be six per cent, at par^ 

but your pa has no money to invest.” Carrie and I 
both roared with laughter. Lupin did not take the 
slightest notice of the joke, although I purposely re- 
peated it for him ; but continued : “ I give you the 


144 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


tip, that’s all — chalk pitsf'* I said another funny 
thing : “ Mind you don’t fall into them ! ” Lupin 
put on a supercilious smile, and said: “Bravo! Joe 
Miller.” 

January 4. — Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me 
that my position would be that of one of the senior 
clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. Perkupp 
added, he would let me know to-morrow what the 
salary would be. This means another day’s anxiety ; 
I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That 
reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin 
about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I 
broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having 
first consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the Fi- 
nancial News^ as if he had been a born capitalist, and. 
I said : “ Pardon me a moment. Lupin, how is it you 
have not been to the Mutlars’ any day this week ? ” 
Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old 
Mutlar.” 

I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty 
plainly that he cannot stand you ! ” 

Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to 
you. I’ll find out if his father is still alive, and I will 
write him a note complaining of his son, and I’ll state 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


145 


pretty clearly that his son is a blithering idiot ! ” 

I said : “ Lupin, please moderate your expressions in 
the presence of your mother.” 

Lupin said : “ I’m very sorry, but there is no other 
expression one can apply to him. However, I’m de- 
termined not to enter his place again.” 

I said : “You know. Lupin, he has forbidden you 
the house.” 

Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split straws^it’s 
all the same. Daisy is a trump, and will wait for me 
ten years, if necessary.” 

jAmiAKY 5. — I can scarcely write the news. Mr. 
Perkupp told me my salary would be raised £100 ! I 
stood gaping for a moment unable to realize it. I 
annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be £15 
or even £20 ; but £100 surpasses all belief. Carrie 
and I both rejoiced over our good fortune. Lupin 
came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. 
I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle 
of champagne, the same as we had before, “ Jackson 
Freres.” It was opened at supper, and I said to 
Lupin: “This is to celebrate some good news I 
have received to-day.” Lupin replied : “ Hooray, Guv. ! 
And I have some good news, also ; a double event, eh ? ” 


146 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


I said : “ My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’ in- 
dustry and strict attention to the interests of my su- 
periors in office, I have been rewarded with promotion 
and a rise in salary of £100.” 

Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the tables 
furiously, which brought in Sarah to see what the 
matter was. Lupin ordered us to “ fill up ” again, and 
addressing us upstanding, said : “ Having been in 
the firm of Job Cleanands, stock and sharebrokers, a 
few weeks, and not having paid particular attention 
to the interests of my superiors in office, my Guv’nor, 
as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a 
really good thing. The result is, to-day I have made 
£200.” I said, “ Lupin, you are joking.” “ No, Guv., 
it’s the good old truth ; Job Cleanands put me on to 
Chlorates^ 

January 21. — I am very much concerned at Lupin 
having started a pony-trap. I said : “ Lupin, are you 
justified in this outrageous extravagance?” Lupin 
replied: “Well, one must get to the City somehow. 
I’ve only hired it, and can give it up any time I like.” 
I repeated my question: “Are you justified in this 
extravagance?” lie replied: “Look here. Guv.; ex- 
cuse my saying so, but you’re a bit out of date. It 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 147 

does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over small 
things. I don’t mean anything personal, Guv’nor. 
My boss says if I take his tip, and stick to big things, 
I can make big money ! ” I said I thought the very 
idea of speculation most horrifying. Lupin said : “ It 
is not speculation, it’s a dead cert.” I advised him, at 
all events, not to continue the pony and cart ; but he 
replied : “ I made £200 in one day ; now suppose I only 
make £200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, 
which is ridiculously low — why, that is £1250 a year. 
What’s a few pounds a week for a trap ? ” 

I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying 
that I should feel glad when the autumn came, and 
Lupin would be of age and responsible for his own 
debts. He answered : “ My dear Guv., I promise you 
faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have 
not got. I shall only go on Job Cleanands’ tips, and 
as he is in the ‘know’ it is pretty safe sailing.” i 
felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening 
and, to my surprise, informed me that, as he had made 
£10 by one of Lupin’s tips, he intended asking us and 
the Cummings’ round next Saturday. Carrie and I 
said we should be delighted. 


148 THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 

January 22.— I don’t generally lose my temper with 
servants ; but I had to speak to Sarah rather sharply 
about a careless habit she has recently contracted of 
shaking the tablecloth, after removing the breakfast 
things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to 
fall on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah 
answered very rudely: “Oh, you are always com- 
plaining.” I replied: “Indeed, I am not. I spoke 
to you last week about walking all over the drawing- 
room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of 
your boot.” She said : “ And you’re always grumbling 
about your breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not, but I 
feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can 
get a hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell 
it spurts all over the plate, and I have spoken to you 
at least fifty times about it.” She began to cry and 
make a scene ; but fortunately my ’bus came by, so I 
had a good excuse for leaving her. Gowing left a 
message in the evening, that we were not to forget 
next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: “As he has 
never asked any friends before, we are not likely to 
forget it.” 

January 23. — I asked Lupin to try and change the 
hard brushes, he recently made me a present of, for 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


149 


some softer ones, as my hairdresser tells me I ought 
not to brush my hair too much just now. 

January 24. — The new chimney-glass came home 
for the hack drawing-room. Carrie arranged some 
fans very prettily on the top and on each side. It is 
an immense improvement to the room. 

January 25. — We had just finished our tea, when 
who should come in hut Cummings, who has not been 
here for over three weeks. I noticed that he looked 
anything but well, so I said: “ Well, Cummings, how 
are you ? You look a little blue.” He replied : “ Yes ! 
and I feel blue too.” I said : “ Why, what’s the 
matter ? ” He said : “ Oh, nothing, except that I have 
been on my back for a couple of weeks^, that’s all. At 
one time my doctor nearly gave me up, yet not a soul 
has come near me. No one has even taken the trouble 
to inquire whether I was alive or dead.” 

I said : “ This is the first I have heard of it. I have 
passed your house several nights, and presumed you 
had company, as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted.” 

Cummings replied: “No! The only company I 
have had was my wife, the doctor, and the landlady — 
the last-named having turned out a perfect trump. I 


150 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY, 


wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it 
was mentioned in the Bicycle N'ews?'’ 

I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you 
are all right now ? ” 

He replied : “ That’s not the question. The ques- 

tion is whether an illness does not enable you to 
discover who are your true friends.” 

I said such an observation was unworthy of him. 
To make matters worse, in came Gowing, who gave 
Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said: 
“ Hulloh ! Have you seen a ghost ? You look scared 
to death, like Irving in Macbeth^ I said: “Gently, 
Gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill.” Gowing 
roared with laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, 
too.” Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too 
— not that I suppose you care.” 

An awkward silence followed. Gowing said : “ Never 
mind, Cummings, you and the missis come round to 
my place to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a bit ; 
for we’ll open a bottle of wine.” 

January 26. — An extraordinary thing happened. 
Carrie and I went round to Gowing’s, as arranged, at 
half-past seven. We knocked and rang several times 
without getting an answer. At last the latch was 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


151 


drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still 
being up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head 
through and said : “ Who is it ? What do you want ? ” 
I said: “Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man 
said (as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of 
a little dog) : “ I don’t think he is. Mr. Gowing is not 
at home.” I said : “ He will be in directly.” 

With that observation he slammed the door, leaving 
Carrie and me standing on the steps with a cutting 
wind blowing round the corner. 

Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and 
then discovered for the first time that the knocker 
had been newly painted, and the paint had come off 
on my gloves — which were, in consequence, com- 
pletely spoiled. 

I knocked at the door, with my stick two or three 
times. 

The man opened the door, taking the chain off this 
time and began abusing me. He said : “ What do you 
mean by scratching the paint with your stick like 
that, spoiling the varnish ? You ought to be ashamed 
of yourself.” 

I said : “ Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited ” 

He interrupted, and said : “ I don’t care for Mr. 
Gowing, or any of his friends. This is my door, not 


152 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


Mr. Gowing’s. There are people here besides Mr. 
Gowing.” 

The impertinence of this man was nothing. I 
scarcely noticed it, it was so trivial in comparison 
with the scandalous conduct of Gowing. 

At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. 
Cummings was very lame and leaning on a stick ; but 
got up the steps and asked what the matter was. The 
man said : “ Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting 
anyone. All he said was he had just received an in- 
vitation to Croydon, and he should not be back till 
Monday evening. lie took his bag with him.” With 
that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant 
with Gowing’s conduct to say anything. Cummings 
looked white with rage, and as he descended the steps 
struck his stick violently on the ground and said : 
“ Scoundrel ! ” 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


153 


CHAPTER Xy. 

Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a 
drive., which we don't eyijoy. Lupin introduces us 
to Mr. Murray Posh. 

February 8. — It does seem hard I cannot get good 
sausages for breakfast. They are either full of bread 
or spice, or are as red as beef. Still anxious about the 
£20 I invested last week by Lupin’s advice. However, 
Cummings has done the same. 

February 9. — Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I 
have neither seen nor heard from Gowing respecting 
his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to his 
house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was 
engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had pur- 
chased. I’ll back Carrie’s marking against anybody’s. 
While I was drying them at the fire, and Carrie was 
rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in. 

He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about 


154 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


marking the collars. I asked him if he had heard 
from Gowing, and he replied that he had not. I said 
I should not have believed that Gowing could have 
acted in such an an ungentlemanly manner. Cum- 
mings said : “You are mild in your description of 
him ; I think he has acted like a cad.” 

The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the 
door ojjened, and Gowing, putting in his head, said : 
“ May I come in ? ” I said : “ Certainly.” Carrie said 
very pointedly : “ Well, you are a stranger.” Gowing 
said : “ Yes, I’ve been on and off to Croydon during 
the last fortnight.” I could see Cummings was boil- 
ing over, and eventually he tackled Gowing very 
strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week. 
Gowing appeared surprised, and said : “ Why, I posted 
a letter to you in the morning announcing that the 
party was ‘ off, very much off.’ ” I said : “ I never 
got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, said : “ I suppose 
letters sometimes miscarry^ don’t they, Mrs. Carrie f ” 
Cummings sharply said : “ This is not a time for joking. 
I had no notice of the party being put off.” Gowing 
replied : “ I told Footer in my note to tell you, as 
I was in a hurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post- 
office, and we must meet again at my place.” I added 
that I hoped he would be present at the next meeting. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


156 


Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not 
help laughing. 

February 10, Sunday. — Contrary to my wishes 
Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take her for a 
drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quite disapprove 
of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust 
Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin 
said : “ Now, that is nice of you. Guv., but you won’t 
mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart ? 

Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that 
seemed miles too large for him. Carrie said it wanted 
taking in considerably at the back. Lupin said : 
“Haven’t you seen a box-coat before? You can’t 
drive in anything else.” 

He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall 
never drive with him again. His conduct was shock- 
ing. When we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to 
pass everything and everybody. He shouted to re- 
spectable people who were walking quietly in the road 
to get out of the way ; he flicked at the horse of an old 
man who was riding, causing it to rear ; and, as I had 
to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of 
roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and 
who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, bellow.* 


156 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


ing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say 
nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel. 

Lupin’s excuse — that the Prince of Wales would 
have to put up with the same sort of thing if he 
drove to the Derby — was of little consolation to either 
Carrie or myself.^ Frank Mutlar called in the evening, 
and Lupin went out with him. 

February 11. — Feeling a little concerned about 
Lupin, I mustered up courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp 
about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been most kind 
to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s 
adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied : “ There is 
no necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It 
would be impossible for a son of such good parents to 
turn out erroneously. Remember he is young, and 
will soon get older. I wish we could find room for 
him in this firm.” The advice of this good man takes 
loads off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in. 

After our little supper, he said : “ My dear parents, 
I have some news, which I fear will affect you con- 
siderably.” I felt a qualm come over me, and said 
nothing. Lupin then said : “ It may distress you — in 
fact, I’m sure it will — but this afternoon I have given 
up my pony and trap forever.’j It may seem absurd, 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


157 


but I was so pleased I immediately opened a bottle of 
port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with 
him a large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, 
which he fastened against the wall. He then produced 
several separate tails, and we spent the remainder of 
the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the 
proper place. My sides positively ached with laughter 
when I went to bed. 

Febkuaey 12. — In the evening I spoke to Lupin 
about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar. I asked if 
he had heard from her. He replied : “ No ; she prom- 
ised that old windbag of a father of hers that she 
would not communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, 
of course ; in fact, he said he might call again this 
evening.” Frank called, but said he could not stop, as 
he had a friend waiting outside for him, named Murray 
Posh, adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked 
Frank to bring him in. 

He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same 
time. Mr. Murray Posh was a tall, fat young man, 
and was evidently of a very nervous disposition, as he 
subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom 
cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver 
had first got on the box with his reins in his hands. 


158 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want 
of tact, said: “Any relation to ‘Posh’s three -shilling 
hats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but please under- 
stand I don’t try on hats my- 
self. I take no active part in 
the business.” I replied : “ I 
wish I had a business like it.” 

Mr. Posh seemed pleased, and 
gave a long but most interest- 
ing history of the 
extraordinary 
difficulties in the 
manufacture of 
cheap hats. 

Murray Posh ^ C^. 

evidently knew 

. .TIT i.1 Mr. Murray Posh. 

Dais/ Mutlar very ^ 

intimately from 

the way he was talking of her ; and Frank said to 
Lupin once, laughingly : “ If you don’t look out. Posh 
will cut you out ! ” When they had all gone, I re- 
ferred to this flippant conversation ; and Lupin said, 
sarcastically : “ A man who is jealous has no respect 
for himself. A man who would be jealous of an 




THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


159 


elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt 
for himself. I know Daisy. She would wait ten years 
for me, as I said before ; in fact, if necessary, she would 
wait twenty years for me.” 


160 


THE JJIABY OF A NOBODY, 


CHAPTER XVI. 

We lose money over Impin^s advice as to investments^ 
so does Cummings. Alurray Posh engaged to 1 aisy 
Mutlar. 

February 18. — Carrie has several times recently 
called attention to the thinness of my hair at the top of 
my head, and recommended me to get it seen to. I was 
this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small 
hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against 
the edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the 
glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carrie was in 
an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly 
superstitious. To make matters worse, my large 
photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, 
and the glass is cracked. 

Carrie said : “ Mark my words, Charles, some mis- 
fortune is about to happen.” 

I said : “ Xonsense, dear.” 

In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed 
a little agitated. I said ; “ What’s up, my boy ? ” He 


THE HIAliY OF A NOBODY. 161 

hesitated a good deal, and then said: “You know 
those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest £20 
in?” I replied: “Yes; they are all right, I trust ? ” 
He replied : “ Well, no ! To the surprise of everybody, 
they have utterly collapsed.” 

My breath was so completely taken away, I could 
say nothing. Carrie looked at me, and said : “ What 
did I tell you ? ” Lupin, after a while, said : “ How- 
ever, you are specially fortunate. I received an early 
tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate 
to get £2 for them. So you get something, after all.” 

I gave a sigh of relief. I said : “ I was not so san- 
guine as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should 
get six or eight times the amount of my investment ; 
still a profit of £2 is a good percentage for such a short 
time.” Lupin said, quite irritably : “ You don’t un- 
derstand. I sold your £20 shares for £2 ; you there- 
fore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings 
and Cowing will lose the whole of theirs.” 

February 19. — Lupin, before going to town, said : “ I 
am very sorry about, those Parachikka Chlorates ; it 
would not have happened if the boss. Job Cleanands, 
had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not be 
surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job 


162 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it 
strikes me several people do want to see him very 
particularly.” 

In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going 
out to avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, 
when the former entered the room, without knocking, 
but with his usual trick of saying, “ May I come in ? ” 

He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, 
seemed to be in the very best of spirits. Neither 
Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, but he did so 
of his OAvn accord. He said : “ I say, these Parachikka 
Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice 
one. Master Lupin. How much do you lose?” Lupin, 
to my utter astonishment, said : “ Oh ! I had nothing 
in them. There was some informality in my applica- 
tion — I forgot to enclose the check, or something, and 
I didn’t get any. The Guv. loses £18.” I said: “I 
quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have 
induced me to speculate.” Lupin replied: “Well, it 
can’t be helped ; you must go double on the next tip.” 
Before I could reply, Gowing said : “ Well, I lose noth- 
ing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not quite 
believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my 
£15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I had.” 

Lupin burst out laughing, and in the most unseemly 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


163 


manner, said : “ Alas, poor Cummings ! He’ll lose £35.” 
At that moment there was a ring at the bell. Lupin 
said : “ I don’t want to meet Cummings.” If he had 
gone out of the door he would have met him in the 
passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin opened the 
parlor window and got out. Gowmg jumped up sud- 
denly, exclaiming : “ I don’t want to see him either ! ” 
and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out 
of the window. 

For my own part. I was horrified to think my own 
son and one of my most intimate friends should depart 
from the house like a couple of interrupted burglars. 
Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was 
naturally very angry both with Lupin and Cowing. I 
pressed him to have a little whisky, and he replied that 
he had given up whisky ; but would like a little “ Un- 
sweetened,” as he was advised it was the most healthy 
spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round 
to Lockwood’s for some. 

February 20. — The first thing that caught my eye 
on opening the Standard was — “Great Failure of Stock 
and Share Dealers ! Mr. Job Cleanands Absconded ! ” 
I handed it to Carrie, and she replied : “ Oh ! perhaps it’s 
for Lupin’s good. I never did think it a suitable situa- 


164 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


tion for him.” I thought the whole affair very shocking. 

Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked 
painfully distressed, I said: “We know the news, my 
dear boy, and feel very sorry for you.” Lupin said : 
“ How did you know ? who told you ? ” I handed him 
the Standard. He threw the paper down, and said : 
Oh, I don’t care a button for that ! I expected that, 
but I did not expect this.” He then read a letter from 
Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that 
Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray 
Posh. I exclaimed : “ Murray Posh ! Is not that the 
very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last 
Tuesday week ? ” Lupin said : “ Yes ; the ‘ Posh-three- 
shilling-hats ’ chap.” 

We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence. 

In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too 
worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. 
If I cannot get- streaky bacon, I will do without any- 
thing. 

When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile 
creep over his face. I asked him what it meant. He 
replied: “Oh! only a little consolation — still it is a 
consolation. I have just remembered that, by my 
advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Para- 
chikka Chlorates 1 ” 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


165 


CHAPTER XVII. 

Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The 
dream of my life realized. Mr. Perkupp takes 
Lupin into the office. 

March 20. — To-day being the day on which Daisy 
Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin 
has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend. 
Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although 
he declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would 
not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say 
anything to him about it. At the present moment he 
irritates me by singing all over the house some non- 
sense about “ What’s the matter with Gladstone ? 
He’s all right ! What’s the matter with Lupin ? He’s 
Jill right!” Z don’t think either of them is. In the 
evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conver- 
sation was Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said : 
“I was glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy 


166 the diary of a NOBODY. 

would only have made a fool of Lupin.” Gowing, with 
his usual good taste, said : “ Oh, Master Lupin can 
make a fool of himself without any assistance.” Carrie 
very properly resented this, and Gowing had sufficient 
sense to say he was sorry. 

March 21. — To-day I should conclude my diary, 
for it is one of the happiest days of my life. My great 
dream of the last few weeks — m fact, of many years — 
has been realized. This morning came a letter from 
Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the 
office with me. I went to Lupin’s room ; poor fellow, 
he seemed very pale, and said he had a had headache. 
He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where 
he spent part of the day in a small boat on the water, 
having been mad enough to neglect to take his over- 
coat with him. I showed him Mr. Perkupp’ s letter, 
and he got up as quickly as possible. I begged of him 
not to put on his fast colored clothes and ties, but to 
dress in something black or quiet-looking. 

Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, 
and all she could keep on saying was : “ Oh, I do hope 
it will be all right.” For myself, I could scarcely eat 
any breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, 
and looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


167 


was rather yellow. Carrie, by way of encouragement, 
said: “You do look nice. Lupin.” Lupin replied: 
“ Yes, it’s a good make-up, isn’t it ? A regular-down- 
right - respectable - funeral - first-class-City-firm-junior- 
clerk.” He laughed rather ironically. 

In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin 
shouting to Sarah to fetch down his old hat. I went 
into the passage, and found Lupin in a fury kicking 
and smashing a new tall hat. I said : “ Lupin, my hoy, 
what are you doing ? IIow wicked of you ! Some 
poor fellow would be glad to have it.” Lupin replied : 
“ I would not insult any poor fellow by giving it to 
him.” 

When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered 
hat, and saw inside “ Posh’s Patent.” Poor Lupin ! 
I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we reached 
the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was 
with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, 
crestfallen in appearance. I said : “ Well, Lupin, how 
about Mr. Perkupp ? ” Lupin commenced his song : 
“ What’s the matter with Perkupp ? He’s all right ! ” 
I felt instinctively my boy was engaged. I went to 
Mr. Perkupp, but I could not speak. He said : “ Well, 
Mr. Pooter, what is it ? ” I must have looked a fool, 
for all I could say was : “ Mr. Perkupp, you are a good 


168 TBE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 

man.” He looked at me for a moment, and said : “ No, 
Mr. Footer, you are the good man ; and we’ll see if we 
cannot get your son to follow such an excellent ex- 
ample.” I said : “ Mr. Perkupp, may I go home ? I 
cannot work any more to-day.” 

My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded 
his head. It was as much as I could do to prevent my- 
self from crying in the ’bus ; in fact, I should have 
done so had my thoughts not been interruped by Lupin, 
who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the ’bus, 
whom he accused of taking up too much room. 

In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend 
Cummings and his wife, and also to Cowing. We all 
sat rouhd the fire, and in a bottle of “ Jackson Freres,” 
which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s 
health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the future. 
My boy in the same office as myself — we can go down 
together by the ’bus, come home together, and who 
knows but in the course of time he may take great in- 
terest in our little home. That he may help me to put 
a nail in here or a nail in there, or help his dear mother 
to hang a picture. In the summer he may help us in 
our little garden with the fiowers, and assist us to 
paint the stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in 
some more enamel paint.) All this I thought over and 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


169 


over again, and a thousand happy thoughts beside. 
I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell asleep, 
only to dream of three happy people. Lupin, dear Carrie, 
and myself. 


170 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER XYIII. 

Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer 
Ball., where I am let in for an expensive supper. 
Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd invitation 
to Southend. 

April 8. — Xo events of any importance, except that 
Gowing strongly recommended a new patent stylo- 
graphic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which 
was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It 
has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of 
temper. The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess 
on my hands, and once at the office when I was knocking 
the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the ink down 
Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out : “ Stop 
that knocking ! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt ? ” 
That young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee in 
responding quite loudly : “No, sir; I beg pardon, it is 
Mr. Pooter with his pen : it has been going on all the 
morning.” To make matters worse, I saw Lupin 
laughing behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say 


TUE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


171 


nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked 
them if they Avould take it back, as it did not act. I 
did not expect the full price returned, but was willing 
to take half. The man said he could not do that — 
buying and selling were two different things. Lupin’s 
conduct during the period he has been in Mr. Perk- 
upp’s office has been most exemplary. My only fear 
is, it is too good to last. 

April 9. — Gowing called, bringing with him an in- 
vitation for Carrie and myself to a ball given by the 
East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would be 
a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir 
William Grime) had promised his patronage. We 
accepted of his kindness, and he stayed to supper, an 
occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of the 
sparkling Algera that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent 
as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, observing that 
he had never tasted it before, and further remarked 
that his policy was to stick to more recognized brands, 
b told him it was a present from a dear friend, and 
one mustn’t look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing 
facetiously replied : “ And he didn’t like putting it in 
the mouth either.” 

I thought the remarks were rude without being 


172 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


funny, but on tasting it myself, came to the conclusion 
there was some justification for them. The sparkling 
Algera is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested 
that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. 
He merely replied : “ Oh! I don’t think so.” We had 

a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost four 

» 

shillings and Carrie lost one, and Cowing said he had 
lost about sixpence ; how he could have lost, consider- 
ing that Carrie and I were the only other players, re- 
mains a mystery. 

April 14, Sunday. — Owing, I presume, to the un- 
settled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my skin 
was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walking 
round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members 
of our congregation who had walked back with us, I 
was much annoyed to find a large newspaper full of 
bones on the gravel-path, , evidently thrown over by 
those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever 
we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside 
their conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, 
whistling, and imitating birds. 

April 15.— Burnt my tongue most awfully with the 
Worcester sauce, through that stupid girl Sarah shak- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 173 

mg the bottle violently before putting it on the table. 

April 16.— The night of the East Acton Volun- 
teer Ball. On my advice, Carrie put on the same 
dress that she looked so beautiful in at the Mansion 



Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane. 



174 


THE HIAEY OF A NOBODY. 


House, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, 
that Mr. Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the 
Honorary Artillery Company, would in all probability 
be present. Lupin, in bis usual incomprehensible 
language, remarked that he had heard it was a 
“ bounders’ ball.” I didn’t ask him what he meant, 
though I didn’t understand. Where he gets these 
expressions from I don’t know ; he certainly doesn’t 
learn them at home. 

The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded 
if we arrived an hour later we should he in good time, 
without being “ unfashionable,” as Mrs. James says. 
It was very difficult to find — the cabman having to get 
down several times to inquire at different public- 
houses where the Drill Hall was. I wonder at people 
living in such out-of-the-way places. No one seemed 
to know it. However, after going up and down a 
good many badly-lighted streets we arrived at our 
destination. I had no idea it was so far from Holloway. 
I gave the cabman five shillings, who only grumbled, 
saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and was 
impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went 
to a ball to take a ’bus. 

Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather 
late, hut that it was better late than never. He 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


175 


seemed a very good-looking gentleman, though, as 
Carrie remarked, “rather short for an officer.” He 
begged to he excused for leaving us, as he was engaged 
for a dance, and hoped we should make ourselves at 
home. Carrie took my arm and we walked round the 
rooms two or three times and watched the people 
dancing. I couldn’t find a single person I knew, but 
attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As 
we were entering the supper- room I received a slap on 
the shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the 
hand. I said : “ Mr. Padge, I believe ; ” he replied, 
“ That’s right.” 

I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady 
who made herself at home with Carrie at once. 

There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty 
of champagne, claret, etc., and, in fact, everything 
seemed to be done regardless of expense. Mr. Padge 
is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking for, 
but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, 
that I asked him to sit at our table, and I must say 
that for a short fat man he looked well in uniform, 
although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the 
back. It was the only supper-room that I have been 
in that was not overcrowded; in fact we were the 
only people there, everybody being so busy dancing. 


176 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, 
who said her name was Lupkin, to some champagne ; 
also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr. Padge to do 
likewise, saying : “ You must look after yourself.” He 
replied : “ That’s right,” and poured out half a tumbler 
and drank Carrie’s health, coupled, as he said, “ with 
her worthy lord and master.” We all had some 
splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow. 

The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we 
would like some more wine. I assisted Carrie and her 
friend and Mr. Padge, also some people who had just 
come from the dancing-room, who were very civil. It 
occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the 
gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were so 
polite. I made myself useful, and assisted several 
ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “ There 
is nothing lost by civility.” 

The band struck up for the dance, and they all 
went into the ballroom. The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. 
Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, 'and as I had 
not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his 
arms to them and escorted them to the ballroom, 
telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge : “ It is quite 
a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. Padge 
replied : “ That’s right.” 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


177 


When I had quite finished my supper, and was 
leaving, the waiter who had been attending on us 
arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. 
I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to 
expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had 
been very attentive. He smilingly replied: “I beg 
your pardon, sir, this is no good,” alluding to the 
shilling. “ Your party’s had four suppers at 5s. a 
head, five ices at Is., three bottles of champagne at 
11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar for the 
stout gentleman — in all £3 Os. 6d. ! ” 

I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and 
had only sufficient breath to inform him that I had re- 
ceived a private invitation, to which he answered that 
he was perfectly well aware of that ; but that the invita- 
tion didn’t include eatables and drinkables. A gentle- 
man who was standing at the bar corroborated the 
waiter’s statement, and assured me it was quite 
correct. 

The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had 
been under any misapprehension ; but it was not his 
fault. Of course there was nothing to be done but to 
pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just man- 
aged to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings ; but 


178 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


the manager, on my giving my card to him, said: 
“ That’s all right.” 

I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, 
and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, 
for it would entirely destroy the pleasant evening she 
was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for 
me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and 
Mrs. Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, 
and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were wishing her “ Good- 
night,” asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit 
to Southend? On my replying that I hadn’t been 
therefor many years, she very kindly said: “Well, 
why don’t you come down and stay at our place ? ” As 
her invitation was so pressing, and observing that 
Carrie wished to go, we promised we would visit her 
the next Saturday week, and stay till Monday. Mrs. 
Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, giving 
us the address and particulars of trains, etc. 

When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining 
so hard that the roads resembled canals, and I need 
hardly say we had great difficulty in getting a cabman 
to take us to Holloway. After waiting a hit, a man 
said he would drive us, anyhow, as far as “ The Angel,” 
at Islington, and we could easily get another cab from 
there. It was a tedious journey ; the rain was heating 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


179 


against the windows and trickling down the inside of 
the cab. 

When we arrived at “ The Angel ” the horse seemed 
tired out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and 
when I came to pay, to my absolute horror I remem- 
bered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to 
the cabman how we were situated. Never in my life 
have I ever been so insulted ; the cabman, who was a 
rough bully and to my thinking not sober, called me 
every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively 
seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the tears 
came into my eyes. I took the number of a policeman 
(who witnessed the assault) for not taking the man in 
charge. The policeman said he couldn’t interfere, 
that he had seen no assault, and that people should not 
ride in cabs without money. 

We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly 
two miles, and when I got in I put down the conversa- 
tion I had with the cabman, word for word, as I intend 
writing to the Telegraph for the purpose of proposing 
that cabs should be driven only by men under Govern- 
ment control, to prevent civilians being subjected to 
the disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to 
endure. 


180 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


April 17. — water in our cistern again. Sent for 
Putley, who said he would soon remedy that, the cis- 
tern being zinc. 

April 18. — Water, all right again in the cistern. 
Mrs. James, of Sutton, called in the afternoon. She 
and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the drawing- 
room, and put little toy spiders, frogs, and beetles all 
over it, as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. It 
was Mrs. James’ suggestion, and of course Carrie al- 
ways does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, 
I preferred the mantelpiece as it was ; hut there, 
I’m a plain man, and don’t pretend to be in the fashion. 

April 19. — Our next-door neighbor, Mr. Griffin, 
called, and in a rather offensive tone accused me, or 
“ someone,” of boring a hole in his cistern and letting 
out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined 
his. He said he should have his repaired, and send us 
in the bill. 

April 20. — Cummings called, hobbling in with a 
stick, saying he had been on his back for a week. It 
appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door, which 
is situated just at the top of the staircase, and un- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY 


181 


known to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing 
v/ith had got between the door, and prevented it shut- 
ting ; and in pulling the door hard, to give it an extra 
slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fell 
backwards downstairs. 

On hearing this. Lupin suddenly jumped up from 
the couch and rushed out of the room sideways. Cum- 
mings looked very indignant, and remarked it was 
very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back ; and 
though I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, 
I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open 
the door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this 
was the second time he had been laid up, and we had 
never sent to inquire. I said I knew nothing about 
it. Cummings said: “It was mentioned in the Bi- 
cycle JSTews.. 

April 22. — I have of late frequently noticed Carrie 
rubbing her nails a good deal with an instrument, and 
on asking her what she was doing, she replied : “ Oh, 
I’m going in for manicuring. It’s all the fashion now.” 
I said : “ I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into 
your head.” Carrie laughingly replied: “Yes; but 
everyone does it now.” 

I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. 


182 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


Whenever she does she always introduces some new- 
fandangled rubbish into Carrie’s head. One of these 
days I feel sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I 
am sure it was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writ- 
ing on dark slate-colored paper with white ink. 
Nonsense ! 

April 23. — Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of 
Southend, telling us the train to come by on Saturday, 
and hoping we will keep our promise to stay with her. 
The letter concluded : “You must come and stay at 
our house ; we shall charge you half what you will 
have to pay at the Royal, and the view is every bit as 
good.” Looking at the address at the top of the note- 
paper, I found it was : “ Lupkin’s Family and Com- 
mercial Hotel.” 

I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “ decline 
her kind invitation.” Carrie thought this very satiri- 
cal, and to the point. 

By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pat- 
tern at night. I ordered a new suit of dittos for 
the garden at Edwards’, and chose the pattern by gas- 
light, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt 
mixture with white stripes down. They came home 
this morning, and, to my horror, I found it was quite 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


183 


a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with 
bright yellow-colored stripes. 

I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie 
giggling. She said : “ What mixture did you say you 
asked for ? ” 

I said : “ A quiet pepper and salt.” 

Carrie said : “ W ell, it looks more like mustard, if 
you want to know the truth.” 


184 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER XIX. 


Meet Teddy Finsworth^ an old schoolfellow. We have a 
pleasant and quiet dinner at his uncle^s^ marred 
only by a few awkward mistakes on my part re- 
specting Mr. FinswortN s pictures. A discussion 
on dreams. 

April 27. — Kept a little later than usual at the 
office, and as I was hurrying along a man stopped me, 
saying : “ Hulloh I That’s a face I know.” I replied 
politely : “ Very likely ; lots of people know me, 
although I may not know them.” He replied: “ But 
you know me — Teddy Finsworth.” So it was. He 
was at the same school with me. I had not seen him 
for years and years. Xo wonder I did not know him ! 
At school he was at least a head taller than I was ; 
now I am at least a head taller than he is, and he has 
a thick heard, almost gray. He insisted on my 
having a glass of wine (a thing I never do), and told 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 185 

me he lived at Micldlesboro’, where he was Deputy 
Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the 
Town Clerk of London— in fact, higher. He added 
that he was staying for a few days in London, with 
his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of Finsworth and 
Pultwell). He said he was sure his uncle would be 
only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice house, 
Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk from Mus- 
well Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we 
parted. 

In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very 
nice letter from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (includ- 
ing Carrie) would dine with them to-morrow (Sunday), 
at two o’clock, he would be delighted. Carrie did not 
like to go, but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we 
consented. Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher’s 
and countermanded our half-leg of mutton, which we 
had ordered for to-morrow. 

April 28, Sunday. — We found Watney Villa further 
off than we anticipated, and only arrived as the clock 
struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable. To 
make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced for- 
ward to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up 
at Carrie, covering her light skirt, which she was 


186 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


wearing for the first time, with mud. Teddy Fins- 
worth came out and drove the dog off and apologized. 
We were shown into the drawing-room, which was 
beautifully decorated. It was full of knick-knacks, 
and some plates hung up on the wall. There were 
several little wooden milk-stools with paintings on 
them ; also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of 
Mr. Paul Fins worth’s nieces — a cousin of Teddy’s. 

Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished- 
looking elderly gentleman, and was most gallant to 
Carrie. There were a great many water-colors hang- 
ing on the walls, mostly different views of India, 
which were very bright. Mr. Finsworth said they 
were painted by “ Simpz,” and added that he was no 
judge of pictures himself, but had been informed on 
good authority that they were worth some hundreds 
of pounds, although he had only paid a few shillings 
apiece for them, frames included, at a sale in the 
neighborhood. 

There was also a large picture in a very handsome 
frame, done in colored crayons. It looked like a 
religious subject. I was very much struck with the 
lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made 
the remark that there was something about the 
expression of the face that was not quite pleasing. It 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 187 

looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully replied: 
“ Yes, the face was done after death — my wife’s sister.” 

I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, 
and in a whisper said I hoped I had not hurt his 
feelings. We both stood looking at the picture for a 
few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took out 
a handkerchief and said: “She was sitting in our 
garden last summer,” and blew his nose violently. 
He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at some- 
thing else and stood in front of a portrait of a jolly- 
looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and 
straw hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth : “ Who is this 
jovial-looking gentleman ? Life doesn’t seem to trouble 
him much.” Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it doesn’t. 
He is dead too — my brother.” 

I was absolutely horrified at my own stupid awk- 
wardness. Fortunately at this moment Carrie entered 
with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her upstairs to 
take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said : 
“Short is late,” but at that moment the gentleman 
referred to arrived, and I was introduced to him by 
Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr. Short?” I 
replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure, but I 
hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. Short. 
He evidently did not see my little joke, although I 


188 


THE DIARY^ OF A NOBODY. 



“He is dead too." 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


189 


repeated it twice with a little laugh. I suddenly 
remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps 
very particular. 

In this I was mistaken, for he was not at all 
particular in several of his remarks after dinner In 
fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I 
took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that 
I feared, she found Mr. Short occasionally a little 
embarrassing. To my surprise she said: “Oh! he is 
privileged, you know.” I did not know, as a matter of 
fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why 
Mr. Short should be privileged. 

Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was, the 
collie dog, which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to 
remain under the dining-room table. It kept growl- 
ing and snapping at my boots every time I moved my 
foot. Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Fins- 
worth about the animal, and she remarked: “It is 
only his play.” She jumped up and let in a frightfully 
ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been 
scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to take 
a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that 
it had licked off every bit of blacking from them. I 
was positively ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. 
Finsworth, who, I must say, is not much of a Job’s 


190 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


comforter, said : “ Oh ! we are used to Bibbs doing 
that to our visitors.” 

Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I 
question whether it is a good thing to take on the top 
of beer. It made me feel a little sleepy, while it had 
the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become “priv- 
ileged ” to rather an alarming extent. It being cold 
even for April, there was a fire in the drawing-room ; 
we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I waxed 
rather eloquent over the old scliool days, which had 
the effect of sending all the others to sleep. I was de- 
lighted, as far as Mr. Short Avas concerned, that it did 
have that effect or him. 

We stayed till four, and the walk home was re- 
markable only for the fact that several fools giggled 
at the unpolished state of my boots. Polished them 
myself when I got home. Went to church in the even- 
ing, and could scarcely keep awake. I will not take 
port on the top of beer again. 

April 29. — I am getting quite accustomed to being 
snubbed by Lupin, and I do not mind being sat upon 
by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of 
right to do so ; but I do think it hard to be at once 
snubbed by wife, son, and both my guests. 


THE EIAnY OF A NOBODY. 191 

Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the 
evening, and I suddenly remembered an extraordinary 
dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought I would 
tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks 
of ice in a shop with a bright glare behind them. I 
walked into the shop and the heat was overpowering. 
I found that the blocks of ice were on fire. The whole 
thing was so real and yet so supernatural I woke up 
in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a most contemptuous 
manner, said : “ What utter rot ! ” 

Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing 
so completely uninteresting as other people’s dreams. 

I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound 
to agree with the others and my dream was especially 
nonsensical. I said : “ It seemed so real to me.” Gow- 
ing replied: “Yes, to you perhaps, but not to ws.” 
Whereupon they' all roared. 

Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said : “ He tells 
me his stupid dreams every morning nearly.” I re- 
plied : “ Very well, dear, I promise you I will never tell 
you or anybody else another dream of mine the longest 
day I live.” Lupin said : “ Hear ! hear ! ” and helped 
himself to another glass of beer. The subject was 
fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most in- 
teresting article on the superiority of the bicycle to 
the horse. 


192 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER XX. 

Dinner at FrancMng* s to meet Mr. Hardfur Mattie. 

May 10. — Received a letter from Francliing, of Peck- 
ham, asking us to dine with him to-night, at seven 
o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a very clever 
writer for the American papers. Franching apologized 
for the short notice ; hut said he had at the last mo- 
ment been disappointed of two of his guests and re- 
garded us as old friends who would not mind filling up 
the gap. Carrie rather demurred at the invitation ; 
but I explained to her that Franching was very well 
off and influential, and we could not afford to offend 
him. “ And Ave are sure to get a good dinner and a 
good glass of champagne.” “ Which never agrees with 
you ! ” Carrie replied, sharply. I regarded Carrie’s 
observation as unsaid. Mr. Franching asked us to 
wire a reply. As he had said nothing about dress in 
the letter, I wired back : “ With pleasure. Is it full 
dress ? ” and by leaving out our name, just got the 
message within the sixpence. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. I93 

Got back early to give time to dress, which we re- 
ceived a telegram instructing us to do. I wanted 
Carrie to meet me at Franching’s house ; but she 
would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. 
What a long journey it is from Holloway to Peckham! 
Why do people live such a long way off? Having to 
change ’buses, I allowed plenty of time — in fact, too 
much ; for we arrived at twenty minutes to seven, and 
Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up 
to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck 
seven ; he must have dressed very quickly. 

I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and 
although we did not know anybody personally, they 
all seemed to be quite swells. Franching had got a 
professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. 
There were flowers on the table round some fairy- 
lamps, and the effect, I ijiust say, was exquisite. 
The wine was good and there was plenty of cham- 
pagne, concerning which Franching said he, himself, 
never wished to taste better. We were ten in number 
and a me7i'(X card to each. One lady said she always 
preserved the meniX and got the guests to write their 
names on the back. 

We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Hut- 
tie, who was of course the important guest. 


194 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. 
Hardfiir Iluttle, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. 
Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. li Kent, 
and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter. 
Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me to 
take in to dinner. I replied that I preferred it, which 
I afterwards thought was a very uncomj)limentary 
observation to make. 

I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner; she seemed a 
well-informed lady, but was very deaf. It did not 
much matter, for Mr. Ilardfur Iluttle did all the talk- 
ing. He is a marvellously intellectual man and says 
things which from other people would seem quite 
alarming. How I wish I could remember even a 
quarter of his brilliant conversation. I made a few 
little reminding notes on the meniX card. 

One observation struck me as being absolutely 
powerful — though not to my way of thinking of course. 
Mrs. Purdick happened to say: “You are certainly 
unorthodox, Mr. Iluttle.” Mr. Iluttle, with a peculiar 
expression (I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice : 
“ Mrs. Purdick, ‘ orthodox ’ is a grandiloquent word 
implying sticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and 
Stephenson had been orthodox, there would neither 


196 


THE DIAllY OF A NOBODY. 


have been the discovery of America not the steam- 
engine.” There was quite a silence. 

It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely 
dangerous, and yet T felt 



table, and “ ‘ Orthodox' is a grandiloquent word." 

Mr. Huttle 

said : “ Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your com- 
pany so soon? Why not wait while we have our 
cigars ? ” 

The effect was electrical. The ladies (including 
Carrie) were in no way inclined to he deprived of Mr. 
ITuttle’s fascinating society, and immediately retimed 
their seats, amid much laughter and a little chaff. Mr. 
Huttle said: ‘AVelJ that’s a real good sign; you shall 


196 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY, 


not be insulted by being called orthodox any longer.” 
Mrs. Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather 
sharp woman, said : “ Mr. Huttle, we will meet you 
half-way — that is, till you get half-way through your 
cigar. That, at all events, will be the happy me- 
dium.” 

I shall never forget the effect the words, “ happy 
medium,” had upon him. He was brilliant and most 
daring in his interpretation of the words . He positively 
alarmed me. He said something like the following : 
“ Happy medium, indeed. Do you know ‘ happy 
medium ’ are two words which mean ‘ miserable me- 
diocrity.’ I say, go first class or third ; marry a duch- 
ess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means 
respectability, and respectability means insipidness. 
Does it not, Mr. Footer ? ” 

I was so taken aback by being personally appealed 
to, that I could only bow apologetically, and say I 
feared I was not competent to offer an opinion. Car- 
rie was about to say something ; but she was inter- 
rupted, for which I was rather pleased, for she is not 
clever at argument and one has to be extra clever to 
discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle. 

He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made 
his unwelcome opinions positively convincing : “ The 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


197 


happy medium is nothing more or less than a vulgar 
half-measure. A man who loves champagne and, find- 
ing a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle and 
has recourse to an imperial pint, will never build a 
Brooklyn Bridge or an Eilfel Tower. No, he is half- 
hearted, he is a half-measure — respectable — in fact, a 
happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in 
a suburban villa with a stucco-column portico, re- 
sembling a four-post bedstead.” 

We all laughed. 

“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Iluttle, “be- 
longs to a soft man, with a soft beard, with a soft 
head, with a made tie that hooks on.” 

This seemed rather personal, and twice I caught 
myself looking in the glass of the chiffoniere ; for I 
had on a tie that hooked on — and why not ? If these 
remarks were not personal they were rather careless, 
and so were some of his subsequent observations, which 
must have made both Mr. Franching and his guests 
rather uncomfortable. I don’t think Mr. Huttle meant 
to be personal, for he added: “We don’t know that 
class here, in this country ; but we do in America, and 
I’ve no use for them.” 

Franching several times suggested that the wine 
should be passed round the table, which Mr. Huttle 


198 


THE DIAUY OF A NOBODY. 


did not heed; but continued as if he were giving a 
lecture : 

“What we want m America is your homes. We 
live on wheels. Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. 
Franching, are charming. No display, no pretension ! 
You make no difference in your dinner, I dare say, 
when you sit down by yourself and when you invite 
us. You have your own personal attendant — no hired 
waiter to breathe on the back of your head.” 

I saw Franching palpably wince at this. 

Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a 
few good things, such as you have this evening. You 
don’t insult your guests by sending to the grocer for 
champagne at six shillings a bottle.” 

I could not help thinking of “Jackson Freres” at 
three-and-six ! 

“ In fact,” said Mr. ITuttle, “ a man is little less than 
a murderer who does. That is the province of the 
milksop, who wastes his evening at home playing dom- 
inoes with his wife. I’ve heard of these people. We 
don’t want them at this table. Our party is well se- 
lected. We’ve no use for deaf old women, who cannot 
follow intellectual conversation.” 

All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortu- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


199 


nately, being deaf, did not hear his remarks ; but con- 
tinued smiling approval. 

“We have no representatives at Mr. Franching’s 
table,” said Mr. Huttle, “of the unenlightened frivo- 
lous matron, who goes to a second class dance at Bays- 
water and fancies she is in Society. Society does not 
know her ; it has no use for her.” Mr. Iluttle paused 
for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for 
the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to ex- 
cuse me, as I did not wish to miss the last train, which 
we very nearly did, by-the-by, through Carrie having 
mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears 
when we go out. 

, It was very late when Carrie and I got home ; but 
on entering the sitting-room I said : “ Carrie, what do 
you think of Mr. Hardfur Huttle ? ” She simply an- 
swered ; “ How like Lupin ! ” The same idea occurred 
to me in the train. The comparison kept me awake 
half the night. Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and 
more influential man ; but he icas like Lupin, and it 
made me think how dangerous Lupin would be if he 
were older and more influential. I feel proud to think 
Lupin does resemble Mr. Huttle in some ways. Lupin, 
like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes wonder- 
ful ideas ; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous. 


200 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


They make men extremely rich or extremely poor. 
They make or break men. I always feel people are hap- 
pier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I believe 
I am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I 
feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has 
become content to settle down and follow the footsteps 
of his father. This is a comfort. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


201 


CHAPTER XXI. 

Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin 
gets engaged elsewhere at a handsome salary. 

May 13. — A terrible misfortune has happened : Lupin 
is discharged from Mr. Perkupp’s office ; and I scarcely 
know how I am writing my diary. I was away from 
office last ASaf, the first time I have been absent through 
illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned by 
some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate 
would have it ; and our most valued customer, Mr. 
Crowbillon, went to the office in a rage, and withdrew 
his custom. My boy Lupin not only had the assurance 
to receive him, but recommended him the firm of Gyl- 
terson. Sons, and Co., Limited. In my own humble 
judgment, and though I have to say it against my own 
son, this seems an act of treachery. 

This morning I received a letter from Perkupp in- 
forming me that Lupin’s, services are no longer required, 
and an interview with me is desired at eleven o’clock. 


202 


THE THAUY OF A NOBODY. 


I went down to the office with an aching lieart, dread- 
ing an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have 
never had a word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the 
morning. He had not got up when it was time for me 
to leave, and Carrie said I should do no good hy dis- 
turbing him. My mind wandered so at the office that 
I could not do my work properly. 

As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and 
the following conversation ensued as nearly as I can 
remember it. 

Mr. Perkupp said : “ Good-morning, Mr. Pooter ! 
This is a very serious business. I am not referring so 
much to the dismissal of your son, for I knew we 
should have to part sooner or later. Zam the head of 
this old, influential, and much-respected Arm ; and 
when 1 consider the time has come to revolutionize 
the business, I will do it myself.” 

I could see my good master was somewhat affected, 
and I said : “ I hope, sir, you do not imagine that I 
have in any way countenanced my son’s unwarrant- 
able interference ? ” Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat 
and took my hand, and said : “ Mr. Pooter, I would as 
soon suspect myself as suspect you.” I was so agitated 
that in the confusion, to show my gratitude, I very 
nearly called him a “ grand old man.” 


THE HIABY OF A NOBODY. 203 

Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he 
was a “ grand old master.” I was so unaccountable 
for my actions that I sat down, leavmg him standing. 
Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit 
down, which I was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, 
resuming, said: “You will understand, Mr. Pooter, 
that the high-standing nature of our firm will not 
admit of our bending to anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon 
chooses to put his work into other hands — I may add, 
less experienced hands — it is not for us to bend and 
beg back his custom.” “ You shall not do it, sir,” I 
said with indignation. “ Exactly,” replied Mr. Perk- 
upp ; “ I shall not do it. But I was thinking this, 
Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client, 
and I will even confess — for I know this will not go 
beyond ourselves — that we cannot afford very well to 
lose him, especially in these times, which are not of 
the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of service.” 

I replied : “ Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night 
to serve you ! ” 

Mr. Perkupp said : “ I know you will. Now, what I 
should like you to do is this. You yourself might 
write to Mr. Crowbillon — you must not, of course, 
lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing 
so — and explain to him that your son was only taken 


204 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


on as a clerk — quite an inexperienced one in fact— out 
of the respect the firm had for you, Mr. Footer. This 
is, of course, a fact. I don’t suggest that you should 
speak in too strong terms of your own son’s conduct ; 
but T may add, that had he been a son of mine, I should 
have condemned his interference with no measured 
terms. That I leave to you. I think the result will 
be that Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the fool- 
ish step he has taken, and our firm will neither suffer 
in dignity nor in pocket.” 

I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman 
Mr. Perkupp is. Ilis manners and his way of speak- 
ing seem to almost thrill one with respect. 

I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I 
send it ? ” 

Mr. Perkupp said : “ Oh no ! I had better not. I am 
supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every 
confidence in you. You must write the letter care- 
fully. We are not very busy ; you had better take the 
morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I 
shall be here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the 
week, in case Mr. Crowbillon should call.” 

I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word 
with Sarah that I could not see either Cowing or Cum- 
mings, nor in fact anybody, if they called in the even- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 205 

ing. ijupin came into the parlor for a moment with 
a new hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was 
not in the mood to judge of hats, and I did not think 
he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupin replied 
carelessly : “ I didn’t buy it ; it was a present.” 

I have such terrible suspicion of Lupin now that 
I scarcely like to ask him questions, as I dread the 
answers so. He, however, saved me the trouble. 

He said : “ I met a friend, an old friend, that I did 
n.ot quite think a friend at the time ; but it’s all right. 
As he wisely said, all is ‘ fair in love and war,’ and there 
was no reason why we should not be friends still. He’s 
a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very dilfer- 
ent stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.” 

I said : “ Hush, Lupin ! Do not pray add insult to 
injury.” 

Lupin said : “ What do you mean by injury ? I re- 
peat, I have done no injury. Crowbillon is simply 
tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud Arm, and made 
the change on his own account. I simply recommended 
the new Arm as a matter of biz — good old biz ! ” 

I said quietly : “ I don’t understand your slang, and 
at my time of life have no desire to learn it ; so. Lupin, 
my boy, let us change the subject. I will, if it please 
you, try and be interested in your new hat adventure.” 


206 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


Lupin said : “ Oh ! there’s is nothing much about it, 
except I have not once seen him since his marriage, 
and he said he was very pleased to see me, and hoped 
we should he friends. I stood a drink to cement the 
friendship, and he stood me a new hat — one of his 
own.” 

I said rather wearily : “ But you have not told me 
your old friend’s name ? ” 

Lupin said, with affected carelessness : “ Oh ! didn’t 
I ? Well, I will. It was Murray JPosh.'^^ 

May 14. — Lupin came down late, and seeing me at 
home all the morning, asked the reason of it. Carrie 
and I both agreed it was better to say nothing to him 
about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the 
question. 

Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with 
Murray Posh in the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh 
would provide him with a berth. Lupin went out 
laughing, saying : “ I don’t mind loeariny Posh’s one- 
priced hats, but I am not going to sell them.” Poor 
boy, I fear he is perfectly hopeless. 

It took me nearly the whole day to write to IVlr. 
Crowbillon. Once or twice I asked Carrie for sugges- 
tions ; and although it seems ungrateful, her sugges- 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


207 


tions were none of them to the point, while one or two 
were absolutely idiotic. Of course I did not tell her 
so. I got the letter oif, and took it down to the office 
for Mr. Perkupp to see, hut he again repeated that he 
could trust me. 

Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to 
tell him about Lupin and Mr. Perkupp ; and, to my 
surprise, he was quite inclined to side with Lupin. 
Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was taking 
much too melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced 
a pint sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been given 
him, which he said would get rid of the blues. I elare 
say it would have done so if there had been more of 
it ; but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it 
did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the 
blues with. 

May 15. — A day of great anxiety, for I expected every 
moment a letter from Mr. Crowbillon. Two letters 
came in the evening— one for me, with “ Crowbillon 
Plall ” printed in large gold-and-red letters on the back 
of the envelope ; the other for Lupin, which I felt in- 
clined to open and read, as it had “ Gylterson, Sons, 
and Co. Limited,” which was the recommended firm. 
I trembled as I opened Mr. Crowbillon’s letter. T wrote 


208 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


him sixteen pages, closely written ; he wrote me less 
than sixteen lines. 

His letter was : “ Sir, — I totally disagree with you. 
Your son, in the course of five minutes’ conversation, 
displayed more intelligence than your firm has done 
during the last five years. — Yours faithfully, Gilbert 
E. Gillam O. Crowbillon.” 

What am I to do ? Here is a letter that I dare not 
show to Mr. Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin 
for anything. The crisis had yet to come ; for Lupin 
arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a check for 
£25 as a commission for the recommendation of Mr. 
Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is evidently 
lost forever. Cummings and Gowing both called, and 
both took Lupin’s part. Cummings went so far as to 
say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I 
was melancholy, for I could only ask : “ Yes, but what 
sort of name ? ” 

May 16. — I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the 
letter in a modified form, but Mr. Perkupp said : “ Pray 
don’t discuss the matter ; it is at an end. Your son 
will bring his punishment upon himself.” I went 
home in the evening, thinking of the hopeless future 
of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant spirits and 


THE niAUY OF A NOBODY. 209 

in evening-dress. He threw a letter on the table for 
me to read. 

To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons 
had absolutely engaged Lupin at a salary of £200 a 
year, with other advantages. I read the letter through 
three times and thought it must have been for me. 
But there it was — Lupin Footer — plain enough. I 
was silent. Lupin said : “ What price Perkupp now ? 
You take my tip. Guv. — ‘ off ’ with Perkupp and freeze 
on to Gylterson, the firm of the future ! Perkupp’s firm ? 
The stagnant dummies have been standing still for 
years, and now are moving back. I want to go on. 
In fact I must go off., as I am dining with the Murray 
Poshs to-night.” 

In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with 
his stick, gave a loud war “ Whoo-oop,” jumped over 
a chair, and took the liberty of rumpling my hair all 
over my forehead, and bounced out of the room, 
giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and 
the respect which was due to his parent. Gowing 
and Cummings came in the evening, and positively 
cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin. 
Gowing said : “ I always said he would get on, and, 
take my word, he has more in his head than we three 
put together.” Carrie said : “He is a second Hardfur 


Huttle.” 


210 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER XXII. 

Alaster Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James {of 
Sutton) visits ns again and introduces “ Spiritual 
SeancesP 

May 26. Sunday. — We went to Sutton after dinner 
to have meat-tea with Mr. and Mrs. James. I had no 
appetite, having dined well at two, and the entire 
evening was spoiled by little Percy — their only son — 
who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child. 

Two or three times he came up to me and deliber- 
ately kicked my shins. He hurt me once so much 
that the tears came into my eyes. I gently remon- 
strated with him, and Mrs. James said : “ Please don’t 
scold him ; I do not believe in being too severe with 
young children. You spoil their character.” 

Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when 
Carrie tried to pacify him, he slapped her face. 

I was so annoyed, I said : “ That is not my idea of 

bringing up children, Mrs. James.” 

Mrs. James said : “ People have different ideas of 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


211 


bringing up children — even your son Lupin is not 
the standard of perfection.” 

A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy 
in his lap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke 
away from Mr. Mezzini, saying : “ I don’t like you — 

you’ve got a dirty face.” 

A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the 
child by the wrist and said : “ Come here, dear, and 
listen to this.” 

He detached his chronometer 



from the chain and made his 
watch strike six. 


To our horror, the child 
I snatched it from his hand and 
bounced it down upon the 
ground like one would a ball. 


Mr. Birks Spooner was most 
amiable, and said he could 
easily get a new glass put in, 
and did not suppose the works 
were damaged. 


Master Percy Edgar 
Smith James. 


To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie 
said the child was bad-tempered, but it made up for 
that defect by its looks, for it was— in her “ mind— an 
unquestionably beautiful child.” 


212 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a 
much uglier child myself. That is my opinion. 

May 30. — I don’t know why it is, but I never 
anticipate with any pleasure the visits to our house of 
Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again to stay 
for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I 
was leaving : “ I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. 
James better than I do.” 

Carrie said : “ So do I, dear ; but as for years I have 
had to put up with Mr. Cowing, who is vulgar, and 
Mr. Cummings, who is kind but most uninteresting, I 
am sure, dear, you won’t mind the occasional visits of 
Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger 
than both your friends have in their entire bodies.” 

I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on 
my two dear old friends, I could say nothing, and as 
I heard the ’bus coming, I left with a hurried kiss — a 
little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in 
contact with Carrie’s teeth and slightly cut it. It 
was quite painful for an hour afterwards. When I 
came home in the evening I found Carrie buried in a 
book on Spiritualism, called There is no Births by 
Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say the book was 
sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. As she 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


‘213 


had not a word to say outside her hook, I spent the 
rest of the evening altering the stair-carpets, which 
are beginning to show signs of wear at the edges. 

Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening 
took the entire management of everything. Finding 
that she and Carrie were making some preparations 
for table-turning, I thought it time really to put my 
foot down. I have always had the greatest contempt 
for such nonsense, and put an end to it years ago 
when Carrie, at our old house, used to have seances 
every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now 
dead). If I could see any use in it, I would not care. 
As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to 
do so now. 

I said : “ I am very sorry, Mrs. James, but I totally 
disapprove of it, apart from the fact that I receive my 
old friends on this evening.” 

Mrs. James said : “ Do you mean to say you haven’t 
read TJiei'e is no Birth f I said : “No, and I have no 
intention of doing so.’* Mrs. James seemed surprised 
and said : “ All the world is going mad over the book.” 
I responded rather cleverly : “ Let it. There will be 
one sane man in it, at all events.” 

Mrs. James said she thought I was very unkind, and 
if people were all as prejudiced as I was, there would 


214 


THE 1)1 An Y OF A NOBODY. 


never have been the electric telegraph or the telephone. 

I said that was quite a different thing. 

Mrs. James said sharply : “ In what way, pray — in 
what way ? ” 

I said : “ In many ways.” 

Mrs. James said : “ Well, mention one way.” 

I replied quietly : “ l^irdon me, Mrs. James ; I decline 
to discuss the matter. I am not interested in it.” 

Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed 
in Cummings, for which I was thankful, for I felt it 
would put a stop to this foolish table-turning. But I 
was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject being 
opened again, Cummings said he was most interested 
in Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he 
did not believe much in it ; still, he was willing to be 
convinced. 

I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the 
result that my presence was ignored. I left the three 
sitting in the parlor at a small round table which they 
had taken out of the drawing-room. I walked into 
the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little 
stroll. As I opened the door, who should come in but 
Cowing ! 

On hearing Avhat was going on, he proposed that Ave 
should join the circle and he Avould go into a trance. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


215 


He added that he knew a few things about old Cum- 
mings, and would invent a few about Mrs. James. 
Knowing how dangerous Cowing is, I declined to let 
him take part in any such foolish performance. Sarah 
asked me if she could go out for half an hour, and I 
gave her permission, thinking it would he more com- 
fortable to sit with Cowing in the kitchen than in the 
cold drawing-room. We talked a good deal about 
Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. JVIurray Posh, with whom he 
is as usual spending tlie evening. Cowing said : “ I 
say, it wouldn’t be a bad thing for Lupin if old Posh 
kicked the bucket.” 

IVIy heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked 
Cowing very sternly for joking on such a subject. I 
lay awake half the night thinking of it — the other half 
was spent in nightmares on the same subject. 

May 31. — I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I 
was rather pleased with the letter, for I thought it 
very satirical. I said : “You have returned the hand- 
kerchiefs without the color. Perhaps you Avill return 
either the color or the value of the handkerchiefs.” 
I shall he rather curious to know what she will have 
to say. 

More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last 


216 


THE diahy of a nobody. 


night was in a measure successful, and they ought to 
sit again. Cummings came in, and seemed interested. 
I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the 
steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a hit 
of an eyesore to me. In a fit of unthinkingness — if I 
may use such an expression, — I gave the floor over the 
imiior, where the seance was taking place, two loud 
raps with the hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it 
was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Cow- 
ing or Lupin would have done. 

However, they never even referred to it ; hut Carrie 
declared that a message came through the table to her 
of a wonderfid description, concerning someone whom 
she and I knew years ago, and who was quite un- 
known to the others. 

When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favor 
to sit to-morrow night, to oblige her. She said it 
seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my part. I 
promised I would sit once. 

June 1. — I sat reluctantly at the table in the even- 
ing, and I am hound to admit some curious things 
happened. I contend they were coincidences, hut 
they were curious. For instance, the table kept tilt- 
ing towards me, which Carrie construed as a desire 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 217 

that I should ask the spirit a question. I obeyed the 
rules, and I asked the spirit (who said her name was 
Lina) if she could tell me the name of an old aunt of 
whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call Aunt 
Maggie. The table spelled out CAT. We could 
make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered 
that her second name was Catherine, which it was 
evidently trying to spell. I don’t think even Carrie 
knew this. But if she did, she would never cheat. I 
must admit it was curious. Several other things hap- 
pened, and I consented to sit at another seance on 
Monday. 

June 3 . — The laundress called, and said she was 
very sorry about the handkerchiefs, and returned 
ninepence. I said, as the color was completely 
washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, nine- 
pence was not enough. Carrie replied that the two 
handkerchiefs originally only cost sixpence, for she 
remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway 
JSon Marche. In that case, I insisted that threepence 
should he returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone 
to stay with the Poshs’ for a few days. I must say I 
feel very uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I was 
ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh was very fond 


218 


THE DIAliY OF A NOBODY. 


of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy. 

In the evening we had another seance, which, in 
some respects, was very remarkable, although the first 
part of it was a little doubtful. Gowing called, as well 
as Cummings, and begged to he allowed to join the 
circle. I wanted to object, hut Mrs. James, who 
appears a good Medium (that is, if there is anything 
in it at all), thought there might be a little more spirit- 
power if Gowing joined ; so the five of us sat down. 

The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before 
I could get my hands on the table, it rocked violently 
and tilted, and began moving quickly across the room. 
Gowing shouted out : “ Way, oh ! steady, lad, steady ! ” 
I told Gowing if he could not behave himself I should 
light the gas, and put an end to the seance. To tell 
the truth, T thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I 
hinted as much ; hut Mrs. James said she had often 
seen the table go right off the ground. The si)irit 
Lina came again, and said, “ WATIN ” three or four 
times, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said 
“ Lina ” was stubborn sometimes. She often behaved 
like that, and the best thing to do was to send her 
away. 

She then hit the table sharply, and said : “ Go away, 
Lina ; you are disagreeable. Go away ! ” I should 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


219 


think we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour with 
nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I 
suggested we should stop the seance. Carrie and Mrs. 
James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to it. 
In about ten minutes’ time there was some tilting 
towards me. T gave the alphabet, and it spelled out 
S P O O As I have heard both Cowing and Lupin 
use the word, and as I could hear Cowing silently 
laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table. 
He denied it ; but, I regret to say, I did not believe 
him. 

Cowing said : “ Perhaps it means ‘ Spook,’ a ghost.” 

I said : “ Yoi^ know it doesn’t mean anything of the 
sort.” 

Cowing said : “ Oh ! very well — I’m sorry I ‘ spook,’ ” 
and he rose from the table. 

No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. 
James suggested he should sit out for a Avhile. Cow- 
ing consented and sat in the arm-chair. 

The table began to move again, and we might have 
had a wonderful seance but for Cowing’s stupid in- 
terruptions. In ansAver to the alphabet from Carrie 
the table spelt “NIPITL,” then the “WARN” three 
times. We could not think what it meant till Cum- 
mings pointed out that “ NIPUL” was Lupin spelled 


220 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was 
particularly excited, and said she hoped nothing hor- 
rible was going to happen. 

Mrs. James asked if “ Lina ” was the spirit. The 
table replied firmly, “ No,” and the spirit would not 
give his or her name. We then had the message, 
“ NIPTJL will be very rich.” 

Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word 
“ WARN ” was again spelt out. The table then began 
to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. James, who 
spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell 
its name. It first spelled “ DRINK.” 

Cowing here said : “ Ah ! that’s more in my line.” 

I asked him to be quiet, as the name might not be 
completed. 

The table then spelt “WATER.” 

Cowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! 
that’s not in my line. Ow^side if you like, but not in- 
side.” 

Carrie appealed to him to be quiet. 

The table then spelt “ CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James 
startled us by crying out, “ Captain Drinkwater, a 
very old friend of my father’s, who has been dead 
some years.” 

This was more interesting, and I could not help 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


221 


thinking that after all there must he something in 
Spiritualism. 

Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the mean- 
ing of the word “WARN” as applied to “NIPUL.” 
The alphabet was given again, and we got the word 
“ BOSH.” 

Gowing here muttered : “ So it is.” 

Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant 
that, as Captain Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, 
and would never have used the word in answer to a 
lady’s question. Accordingly the alphabet was given 
again. 

This time the table spelled distinctly “ POSIT.” 
We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh and Lupin. 
Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it was 
getting late we broke up the circle. 

We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it 
will be Mrs. James’ last night in town. We also 
determined 7iot to have Gowing present. 

Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly in- 
teresting, but he wished the spirits would say some- 
thing about him. 

June 4. — Quite looking forward to the seance this 
evening. Was thinking of it all the day at the office. 


222 


THE DIABT OF A NOBODY. 


Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed 
by Gowing entering without knocking. 

He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have 
brought with me a sealed envelope, which I know I can 
trust with Mrs. Footer. In that sealed envelope is a 
strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question. 
If the spirits can answer that question, I will believe 
in Spiritualism.” 

I ventured the expression that it might be impos- 
sible. 

Mrs. James said : “ Oh no ! it is of common occur- 
rence for the spirits to answer questions under such 
conditions — and even for them to write on locked 
slates. It is quite worth trying. If ‘ Lina ’ is in a 
good temper, she is certain to do it.” 

Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm 
believer. I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine 
or ten, and hear the result.” 

He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings 
wanted to know something about some undertaking 
in which he was concerned, but he could get no 
answer of any description whatever — at which he said 
he was very disappointed and was afraid there was 
not much in table-turning after all. I thought this 
rather selfish of him. The seance was very similar to 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


223 


the one last night, almost the same in fact. So we 
turned to the letter. “ Lina ” took a long time answer- 
ing the question, but eventually spelt out “ ROSES, 
LILIES, AND COWS.” There was a great rocking 
of the table at this time, and Mrs. James said: “If 
that is Captain Drinkwater, let us ask him the answer 
as well?” 

It was the spirit of the captain, and, most singular, 
he gave the same identical answer : “ ROSES, LILIES, 
AND COWS.” 

I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie 
broke the seal, or the disappointment we felt on read- 
ing the question, to which the answer w^as so inappro- 
priate. The question was, “ What^s old Pooler's age f ” 

This quite decided me. 

As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years 
ago, so I would again. 

I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be ex- 
tremely firm when driven to it. 

I said slowly, as I turned up the gas : . “ This is the 
last of this nonsense that shall ever take place under 
my roof. I regret I permitted myself to be a party to 
such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it — which I 
doubt — it is nothing of any good, and I wo7iH have it 
again. That is enough.” 


21 


224 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


Mrs. James said : “ I think, Mr. Footer, you are 
rather overstepping ” 

I said : “ Hush, madam. I am the master of this 
house — please understand that.” 

Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely 
hope I was mistaken in. I was in such a rage I could 
not quite catch what she said. But if I thought she 
said what it sounded like, she should never enter the 
house again. 


THE 1)1 AMY OF A NOBODY. 


225 


CHAPTER XXIII. 

Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments., and 
hear some extraordinary information respecting the 
wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian 
Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Ilardfur lluttle. Im- 
portant. 

July 1. — I find, on -ooking over my diary, nothing 
of any consequence has taken place during the last 
month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken fur- 
nished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. 
and Mrs. Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think 
this is most extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. 
Lupin says one never loses by a good address, and, to 
use his own expression. Brickfield Terrace is a bit 
“ off.” Whether he means it is “ far off ” I do not 
know. I have long since given up trying to under- 
stand his curious expressions. I said the neighbor- 
hood had always been good enough for his parents. 
His reply was : “ It is no question of being good or 


226 


THE 2)1 AH Y OF A NOBODY. 


bad. There is no money in it, and I am not going to 
rot away my life in the suburbs.” 

We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get 
on better by himself, and there may be some truth in 
his remark that an old and a young horse can’t pull 
together in the same cart. 

Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite 
peaceful, and like old times. He liked Master Lupin 
very well, but he occasionally suffered from what he 
could not help — youth. 

July 2. — Cummings called, looking very pale, and 
said he had been very ill again, and of course not a 
single friend had been near him. Carrie said she had 
never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of 
the Bicycle News on the table, with the following par- 
agraph : — “We regret to hear that that favorite old 
roadster, Mr. Cummings ( ‘ Long ’ Cummings), has met 
with what might have been a serious accident in Rye 
Lane. A mischievous boy threw a stick between the 
spokes of one of the back wheels, and the machine over- 
turned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the 
ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than 
hurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at 
Chingford, where they turned up in good numbers. 


THE BIABY OF A NOBODY. 


227 


‘ Long ’ Cuminings’ health was proposed by our popu- 
lar Vice, Mr. Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who 
in his happiest vein said it was a case of ‘ Cumming{s) 
thro’ the Jii/e, but fortunately there was more ioheel 
than tooe,’ a joke which created roars of laughter.” 

We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cum- 
mings to stay to supper. Cummings said it was like 
old times being without Lupin, and he was much 
better away. 

July 3, Sunday. — In the afternoon, as I was looking 

out of the parlor window, which was open, a grand 

trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman seated by the 

side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be 

seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the 

back of it violently against the sharp edge of the 

Avindow-sash. I was nearly stunned. There was a 

loud double-knock at the front door; Carrie rushed 

out of the parlor upstairs to her room, and I followed, 

as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thought it 

was Mr. Franching. I whispered to Sarah over the 

banisters : “ Show them into the drawing-room.” 

Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room 

would smell musty. There was another loud rat-tat. 

I whispered : “ Then show them into the parlor, and 
15 


228 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY, 


say Mr. Footer will be down directly.” I changed my 
coat, but could not see to do my hair, as Carrie was 
occupying the glass. 

Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh 
and Mr. Lupin. 

This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, 
and Lupin met me with the remark : “ I say, what did 
you run away from the window for ? Did we frighten 
you ? ” 

I foolishly said : “ What window ? ” 

Lupin said : “ Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked 
as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.” 

On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything. 
Lupin said : “ Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of 
tea. I can do with a B. and S.” 

I said : “ I am afraid we have no soda.” 

Lupin said : “ Don’t bother about that. You just 
trip out and hold the horse ; I don’t think Sarah under- 
stands it.” 

They stayed a very short time, and as they were 
leaving. Lupin said : “ I want you both to come and 
dine with me next Wednesday, and see my new place. 
Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh (Murray’s 
sister) are coming. Eight o’clock sharp. No one else.” 

I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people. 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 229 

and would like the dinner earlier, as it made it so late 
before we got home. 

Lu]3in said : “ Rats ! You must get used to it. If it 
comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.” 

AYe promised to go; but I must say in my simple 
mind the familiar way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin 
address each other is reprehensible. Anybody would 
think they had been children together. I certainly 
should object to a six months’ acquaintance calling my 
wife “ Carrie,” and driving out with her. 

July 4. — Lupin’s rooms looked very nice ; hut the 
dinner was, I thought, a little too grand, especially as 
he commenced with champagne straight off. I also 
think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. and 
Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put 
on full evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was 
only for six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress 
affair. I had no appetite. It was quite twenty 
minutes past eight before we sat down to dinner. At 
six I could have eaten a hearty meal. I had a bit of 
bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I 
expect that partly spoiled my appetite. 

We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin 
called “ Lillie Girl,” as if he had known her all her life. 
She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought she was 


230 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong ; 
but she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were 
black. She looked about thirty. I did not like the 
way she kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and 

pinching him. Then her 
laugh was a sort of a 
scream that went right 
through my ears, all the 
more irritating because 
there was nothing to laugh 
at. In fact, Carrie and I 
were not at all prepos- 
sessed with her. They 
all smoked cigarettes after 
dinner, including Miss 
Lillie Girl.” Posh, who startled Carrie 

by saying : “ Don’t you smoke, dear ? ” I answered for 
Carrie, and said; “Mrs. Charles Footer has not 
arrived at it yet,” whereupon Miss Posh gave one 
of her piercing laughs again. 

Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can 
only repeat what I have said before — she does not sing 
in tune ; but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, 
gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had been 
Mr. Posh, I think I should have had something to say 



THE BIAEY OF A NOBODY. 


231 


about it. Mr. Posh made himself very agreeable to us 
and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which I 
thought most kind. lie is evidently very rich, for 
Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told 
Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a 
birthday present, alone cost £300. 

Mr. Posh said he had great belief in Lupin, and 
thought he would make rapid way in the world. 

I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost 
over the Parachikka Chlorates through Lupin’s advice. 

During the evening I had an opportunity to speak 
to Lupin, and expressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not 
living beyond his means. 

Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thou- 
sands. “ Posh’s one-price hat ” was a household word 
in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big 
towns throughout England. Lupin further informed 
me that Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments 
at New York, Sydney, and Melbourne, and was nego- 
tiating for Kimberley and Johannesburgh. 

I said I was pleased to hear it. 

Lupin said : “ Why, he has settled over £10,000 on 
Daisy, and the same amount on ‘ Lillie Girl.’ If at 
any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a 
couple of ‘ thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy up 


232 


THE DIAllY OF A NOBODY. 


Perkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with 
ready cash.” 

On the way home in the carriage, for the first time 
in my life, I was inclined to indulge in the radical 
thought that money was not properly divided. 

On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found 
a hansom cab, which had been waiting for me for two 
hours with a letter. Sarah said she did not know 
what to do, as we had not left the address where we 
had gone. I trembled as I opened the letter, fearing 
it was some bad news about Mr. Perkupp. The note 
was : “ Dear Mr. Pooter, — Come down to the Victoria 
Hotel without delay. Important. Yours truly Hard- 
fur Huttle.” 

I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman 
replied that it was not ; for his instructions were, if I 
happened to be out, he was to wait till I came home. 
I felt very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. 
I reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight. I 
apologized for being so late, but Mr. Huttle said : 
“ Not at all ; come and have a few oysters.” I feel my 
heart beating as I write these words. To be brief, 
Mr. Huttle said he had a rich American friend who 
wanted to do something large in our line of business 
and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


233 


him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy 
chance, the result be successful, I can more than com- 
pensate my dear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon’s 
custom. Mr. Huttle had previously said : “ The glori- 
ous ‘ Fourth ’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it has 
not yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass 
of the best wine to be had in the place, and drink good 
luck to our bit of business.” 

I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all. 

It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I 
was so tired, I could not sleep except for short inter- 
vals — then only to dream. 

I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. 
The latter was in a lovely palace, with a crown on. 
Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the room. Mr. Huttle 
kept taking off this crown and handing it to me, and 
calling me “ President.” 

He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I 
kept asking Mr. Huttle to give the crown to my worthy 
master. Mr. Huttle kept saying: “Ho, this is the 
White House of Washington, and you must keep your 
crown, Mr. President.” 

We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got 
parched, and then I woke up. I fell asleep, only to 
dream the same thing over and over again. 


234 


THE DIABY OF A NOBODY. 


CHAPTER THE LAST. 

One of the happiest days of my life. 

July 10. — The excitement and anxiety through 
which I have gone the last few days have been almost 
enough to turn my hair gray. It is all hut settled. 
To-morrow the die will be cast. I have written a long 
letter to Lupin — feeling it my duty to do so, — regard- 
ing his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up to our 
house again last night. 

July 11. — I find my eyes filling with rears af I pen 
the note of my interview this morning with Mr. Perk- 
upp. Addressing me, he said : “ My faithful servant, I 
will not dwell on the important service you have done 
our firm. You can never be sufficiently thanked. Let 
us change the subject. Do you like your house, and 
are you happy where you are ? ” 

I replied: “Yes, sir ; I love my house, and I love the 
neighborhood, and could not bear to leave it.” 

Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said : “ Mr. Pooter, I 
will purchase the freehold of that house, and present it 


THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. 


235 


to the most honest and most worthy man it has ever 
been my lot to meet.” He shook my hand, and said he 
hoped my wife and I would be spared many years to 
enjoy it. 

My heart was too full to thank him ; and, seeing my 
embarrassment, the good fellow said : “You need say 
nothing, Mr. Footer,” and left the office. 

I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings 
(a thing I have never done before), and asked the two 
latter to come round to supper. 

On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and 
I sent Sarah round to the grocer’s to get two bottles of 
“Jackson Freres.” 

My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last 
post brought a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I 
read it aloud to them all. It ran : “ My dear old Guv., 
— Keep your hair on. Y ou are on the wrong tack again. 
I am engaged to be married to ‘ Lillie Girl.’ I did 
not mention it last Thursday, as it was not definitely 
settled. We shall be married in August, and amongst 
our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and 
Cummings. With much love to all, from The same 
old LupinP 


THE END. 


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